Class warfare is for real, and it’s time to pick a side. You could throw in with the chateau dwellers, but chances are you’re with everyone else. As the war of whines has progressed, not every 1%er is content falling into their allotted box, and some have stepped forward to prove they’re just regular folks like the rest of us. Here are their stories.
How can you say you support the Occupy movement while you stay in Capital One Bank’s commercials? That’s like saying you support the Occupy movement and getting caught having sex with Mitt Romney. Baldwin went as far as to wax poetic on the Huffington Post about the Occupy movement and a DOCUMENTARY HE SAW that was about unemployed people in Long Island. He highly recommends it. Baldwin also called out the “excessive fees forced on customers by certain banks” (“come to Capital One, we’d never do that! We’re totally not one of the least-trusted banks in America.“) and pointed out that Occupy Wall Street “talks a lot, too much in fact, about One Percent versus Ninety Nine Percent.” That’s why we need you Alec, to show us into the light of Capital One bank.
Even though the crack game got him started in the rap game, Jay-Z (Shawn Carter) has been living in the mogul world for quite some time. The man openly brags about having watches he hasn’t seen in months and an apartment at the Trump he only slept in once. So when he put out T-shirts through his Rocawear clothing line which read “Occupy All Streets”, the streets took offense. Especially when it was revealed that none of the proceeds from the shirts would go to the Occupy movement. Young Hov!
“Kanye West does not care about poor people,” – every person on earth.
Kanye West is already pretty well liked in America, but his charitable ways know no bounds. Following in “Big Brother” Jay-Z’s footsteps, Kanye West also decided to show his support for the Occupy movement by showing up once for a few minutes. Reports from the protest described Kanye as uncharacteristically “demure” despite the authentic gold chains he wore, in an unintentionally hilarious show of support. He was also accompanied by another filthy rich hip-hop mogul, which brings us to…
Author of the grotesquely titled Super Rich: A Guide To Having It All, Russell Simmons is perhaps the most fervent hip hop mogul to pretend to be in the 99%. When you’re worth $340 million and stand as the third richest man in Hip-Hop, it’s tough to pretend to relate to the little guy. Undeterred by his vast piles of wealth and swimming pools full of gold coins, Simmons was an ubiquitous presence at Occupy Wall Street a lot, and even started a cross-country tour of different protest sites. When asked why such a clear member of the 1% would bother with the Occupy movement, St. Simmons responded “It’s part of human kindness and I feel it is my moral duty to do this.”
Miley Cyrus was born rich off a stupid song that no one can stand. Don’t break my heart. My achey breaky heart. Now she’s the lovable pothead that always sounds like she has bubbles in her mouth whenever she talks or (God help us all) sings. To boost her street cred, Miley decided to release a video to her song “Liberty Walk” which she called “Don’t Give Up: It’s a Liberty Walk!” to really drive the point home. The video features footage of Occupy rallies worldwide. Perhaps to avoid controversy that would disrupt the millions she makes each year, Cyrus half-heartedly dedicated the video to “…people who are standing up for what they believe in”. Other than that, Cyrus has done nothing to support the movement through statements or actions. Laziest attempt yet.
Celebrities visiting Occupy is kind of just a cruel joke. Sarandon visited Occupy Wall Street in an oversized Teamsters jacket she probably stole off someone’s back, and told reporters people are “rightfully upset about the inequality.” Sarandon also offered some helpful advice that the protestors needed to clarify their message otherwise the movement would be ineffectual. Protestors listened in awestruck silence as the hottest, richest MILF on the planet tried to tell them how to fight a system that made her rich and famous primarily for having enormous…acting talent.
Never one to shy away from wherever the cameras are pointing, Jesse Jackson inevitably popped up at several Occupy protests across the country. There he undoubtedly talked about the importance of fighting against the system and standing up for what you believe in. Experts estimated his MMLKPS ratio(mentions of Martin Luther King per sentence) at roughly 1.2. Fighting the system has been quite good for Jackson, and he’s managed to accumulate roughly $10 million by speaking up for those with not even one-one-thousandth of his wealth.
Just for those who thought she didn’t do enough manipulative damage in helping to destroy the Beatles, Ono is back on it again. This time, the woman turned sleeping with some guy with weird glasses into a net worth estimated to be $500 million has decided she’s got some horrible songs to sing to the rest of us. That’s right, Ono has been confirmed to appear on “Occupy This Album,” a celebrity (and quasi-celebrity) compilation record. Apparently all the proceeds will go directly to the Occupy movement, who definitely has centralized offices that can distribute this money efficiently. Thank you, Ono. Have fun eating caviar and sleeping on beds made of money and hobo-parts in the Hamptons this summer!
David Letterman, worth a cool $400 million, really wanted to hop on the Occupy movement because he was feeling left out. All these other rich celebrities had moved on it, where was his piece of the occupy? On his show, Letterman said “I love these people causin’ trouble. Increasingly, this is the way we get change in this country.” There’s an equation to this 1% manipulation of the 99% and it goes a little something like this: support – actual effort = celebrity occupation. At least Letterman was realistic in his malaise, saying he would go downtown to see the protests, “but I know I would be beaten. They don’t like the idea that famous people with dough are sucking up to them.” At least Kanye walked the streets with the people David.
Long ago lost in the sea of 2000, Al Gore has been attempting a comeback ever since. First he tried to recount the votes, and failed. Then he tried to save the environment, by buying carbon credits from himself and, surprisingly, that seemingly fool-proof plan failed as well. Then he tried being a semi-recurring character on Futurama and that…well that was okay I guess but it’s no presidency. Now he’s entering the Occupy fray, writing, “Count me among those supporting and cheering on the Occupy Wall Street movement.” The question is, given his track record, will Al Gore be a successful cheerleader? Odds are no, but maybe he can make a grim, haunting movie that makes us all feel guilty about it.