10 Most Epic CVs Of All Time

We’ve all got one, we get it out occasionally, and we’re sure these ones make yours look small and rather insignificant. We’re talking about your CVs, dirty minded people…

10. Rambo

CVs - rambo

Previous Employment

US Army Green Berets, Nutjob Mercenary, Snake Seller, Jungle Tour Guide.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

Apparently my personal kit of an M2 Browning machine gun, 4000 rounds of ammunition, 12 inch machete, pepper spray, 8 grenades, a handaxe and a small box of tissues, was considered a ‘safety hazard’. On top of this, my  jungle-pattern combat facepaint was apparently ‘scaring fellow employees’. In any case their facilities were rubbish – there was nowhere to land a helicopter, for example.

Greatest Achievement:

Medal of Honor, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star, Purple Heart, Black Lung, Vietnam Service Medal, 10m Swimming Badge, Advanced Knot-Tying Badge, MTV Cribs Most Homely (for my jungle hut in Thailand) and Nutter of the Year 1988. Did I mention I have killed over 17,000 people?

Personal Qualities

Knowledge of over 23 ways to kill a man with my bare hands; can operate any military vehicle or weapon (including helicopter and tank); expert escape and evasion skills; very good at applying facepaint; extensive collection of bandanas; extremely sensitive.

Ambitions

Eventually I hope to move away from military-based suicide missions and into the softcore porn industry – both as a producer and star. Basically, instead of using guns to create holes, I’d like to fill holes with my… 6 years as a POW does cruel things to a man…

Special Requirements

12 Vietnamese POWs for my personal amusement (and to keep my interrogation technique in great form), my bandana washed and ironed every evening, and a lifetime subscription to Butterfly Collector Weekly – oh, and a helicopter landing pad is definitely a dealbreaker.

9. Caligula

CVs - caligula

Previous Employment

Emperor of Rome, God, Sadist.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

There was a nasty incident involving the Praetorian Guard, my torso and some very sharp knives. I guess my popularity must have taken a nose-dive after I started referring to myself as ‘your god, Jupiter’ in the 3rd person, demanded my senators worship me as a living god, and exiled my wife for refusing to strip naked in front of dinner-party guests.

Greatest Achievement

Among my many great achivements are disinterring the body of Alexander the Great to steal his breastplate, castrating the gladiator Longinus because he had a longer penis than me, appointing my favourite horse, Incitatus, as a Roman Consul and destroying the kidneys of nobleman Valerius Catullus during an extended erotic session (no questions please). Pretty great, huh?

Personal Qualities

I bring extreme sadism, insanity and a wacky dress sense to the table. I also get excellent personal advice from my horse, Incitatus.

Ambitions

My main ambition is to regain the Roman throne, but failing this I will settle for a gold statue of me in the Senate, or even just finding another wife who will get naked in public on demand.

Special Requirements

Not much really – Incitatus, requires a stable of marble with an ivory manger, purple blankets, a collar of precious stones, eighteen servants and feed of a mixture of oats and gold flake. Personally I subsist on a diet of only the rarest beasts from the far corners of the globe and insist the bodies of exotic slavegirls are used in place of tables and plates. I will send the full list separately.

8. Yoda

CVs - Yoda

Previous Employment

Jedi-Master and Sage

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

The boy I trained, gone he is. Consumed by Darth Vader.

Greatest Achievement

Size matters not. Judge me by my size do you? Be gone.

Personal Qualities

Jedi’s strength from Force does flow. But beware you must. Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side are they. Once the dark path you start down, forever your destiny will it dominate.

Ambitions

Soon rest I will. Yes, forever sleep. Earned it I have. Twilight is upon me, soon night must fall.

Special Requirements

None. Yoda soon, complete will be.

7. Karl Marx

Cvs - karl marx

Previous Employment

Philosopher, Revolutionary, Political Theorist, Saviour of the ‘Common Man’ Everywhere.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

Communism turned out be… pretty dire, to be honest. My colleagues also felt unable to conduct a conversation with me about anything other than the ‘righteous indignation of the proletariat’ or ‘how to bring down the evil capatalist agenda destroying the western world’. To be fair, they hid my beard-comb.

Greatest Achievement

Fathering modern communism and spreading disease, famine and oppression to millions around the world through its implication – not much of an achievement, I know – but I also came a close third in the ‘Most Hated Communist’ poll, beating Castro and just behind Trotsky and Mao.

Personal Qualities

Insane ability to generate flawed social programs… not much else really. Did I mention I’ve got an awesome beard?

Ambitions

My greatest ambition is to form a Communist Supergroup with Mao on drums, Trotsky lead guitar, Castro on double bass and me doing vocals. Stalin will be in charge of tickets, so you will be coming, whether you like it or not. We are currently in talks with U2.

Special Requirements

Whilst travelling through the US I will require a team of highly trained 24hr bodyguards and an armoured vehicle to ride in – apparently I’m not as popular as I thought… can’t think why…

6. Britney Spears

CVs - Britney Spears

Image by EuPaparazzi

Previous Employment

Pop Diva, Teenage Pin-Up.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

After becoming a global pop icon I started doing loads of dope, putting on weight, and ended up shaving my head and marrying a guy I’d only known for 6 months. Don’t worry I’m back to my poptastic best now though! Really… I’m not past it!

Greatest Achievement

Well… aside from selling over 83 million of my crappy records, I’ve been Yahoo!’s most popular search term for the last four consecutive years and been named Most Searched Person in the Guinness World Records book.

Personal Qualities

Irresistable mixture of innocence and experience, exemplified by my hit ‘Oops!… I Did It Again’ which even features the line ‘I’m not that innocent’ sung by me in a schoolgirl outfit. As you probably can imagine, my PR and marketing team is insanely good – who else could convince millions the world over I am actually talented? Come ooon, girlfreeeend!

Ambitions

To win back the hearts of every teenage boy and girl around the world and reach the dizzying heights of the ‘Oops!… I Did It Again’ World Tour . But to be honest I’m not really very ambitious – I’m fine just churning out the same sickly-sweet, mass-produced pop albums year after year and collecting my fat paycheck. Who wouldn’t be?

Special Requirements

My endorsement deal means that I must, at all times, be seen drinking a can of Pepsi when in public and, of course, wearing my signature perfume. I’ll also need my standard diva dressing room demand of one box of mints, one bag of Doritos and seven clean and secured dressing rooms for my entourage. Fab!

5. Saint Peter

CVs - Saint Peter

Previous Employment

Member of 12 Apostles, Keeper of the ‘Pearly Gates’, Leader of Early Christian Church.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

At the Last Supper Jesus foretold that I would deny him three times before the cock crowed twice… he was right. Jesus defriended me on facebook for that one, and although he did eventually forgive me (he kind of has to), my trust rating has gone way down.

Greatest Achievement

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I’m kind of a big deal round here. Being canonized was obviously a massive high, and getting made official bouncer… I mean ‘keeper’, of the gates of heaven was also sick. I did briefly walk on water with Jesus, but then I sank when my faith wavered. I also ran the Christian Church for a while, which was cool.

Personal Qualities

I’m a saint, obviously. Although I’m incredibly non-violent, I’m decent with a sword when it’s needed – don’t know if you saw, when Jesus was arrested I sliced that guys ear right off. I’m also extremely loyal and have an incredible beard. Much better than Karl Marx’s.

Ambitions

To continue to serve The Lord in heaven, really. Currently I control the doors to the greatest club in the Universe, and I love the hands-on nature of this job, although in the future I’d like to move up to a more management based role.

Special Requirements

All I need is The Lord’s love – Amen … having said that, some hot angel assistants would be a bonus

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger

CVs - Arnold

Previous Employment

Bodybuilder, Actor, Politician, Businessman and Sex-God.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

Having conquered ze worlds of extreme weightlifting, acting and business, I decided to try my hand as ze politician – it’s all going zwimmingly… people love me very much. Unfortunately, ze state of California is almost bankrupt…

Greatest Achievement

Mr. Universe, Mr. Olympia, Conan ze Barbarian, Terminator… there have been zo many. But my proudest moment was when ze biceps hit the 22.5inch mark in 1973. Zweet!

Personal Qualities

I can crush man’s skull in one hand, ride ze Harley Davidson, make ze big financial deals, play ze hard guy in ze movies, do ze catchphrase (‘I”ll be back…’), have ze dinner with Donald Trump and Warren Buffet – any allegations of sexual misconduct are totally untrue.

Ambitions

I am ze Terminator, nothing is beyond my reach.

Special Requirements

I consume over 15,000 calories each day – zo there must be an entire hog roast cooked in ze office every day just for me. As well as ze roast, I also require ze gym weights totalling 375,000lb and ze harem of hot secretaries on rotation zo I can have a fresh one every day.

3. Colonel Gaddafi

090202-N-0506A-402

Previous Employment

Tyrannical Dictator, Eccentric, International Clown, Amateur Love Doctor.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

Having spent the last few years convincing the West that Libya is no longer evil, on the side of the Soviets, or involved with terrorism – it probably wasn’t the best idea for me to use the occasion of my maiden address to the UN assembly to tear up a copy of the UN charter, accuse the security council of being an Al-Qaeda-like terrorist body, call for Bush and Blair to go on trial for the Iraq War, demand $7.7tn for the damage done to Africa by colonialism and declare that swine flu was a biological weapon created in a military laboratory. Woops.

Greatest Achievement

There are so many. Perhaps, getting my great quote, ‘God Damn America’, printed in Times Magazine, or constructing The Great Man-Made River – or as I like to call it – the ‘Eighth Wonder of the World’. But I suppose it would realy be successfully defending my blessed country and Muslims all over the world from the colonial outrages of the West, forcing those pig-dogs to crawl to me on their hands and knees and bow down to Gadaffi as lord and ruler of all. All this, I have definitely achieved. For sure.

Personal Qualities

Over my long career I have shown balance, delicacy and restraint when dealing with others. Only last week I placed an order for 500 leggy beauties to be delivered to my party in Rome, but there was no booze and definitely no Berlusconi-style hanky-panky  – instead I lectured them for an hour about the superiority of Islam and why they should convert. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

Ambitions

I shall repeat only what I told King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia earlier this year: I am an international leader, the dean of all Arab rulers, the king of kings of Africa and the imam of Muslims everywhere – my international status does not allow me to descend to a lower level. Nothing is out of reach for Gaddafi.

Special Requirements

If employed by you I would require immediate trade embargoes to be place on the West by your company, all employees to convert to Islam and a ritualistic burning of the American flag to take place every morning before prayers. A fleet of combat aircraft and some long-range missile wouldn’t go amiss either…

2. Pamela Anderson

CVs - Pamela Anderson

Previous Employment

Actress, Sex-Symbol, Glamour Model, Activist, Giant Moving Breasts.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

Ever since C.J. Parker I’ve been unfairly typecast in humongous-boob only roles – I want to break free from this mould, to live my dreams, and put that awful sex-tape of Tommy and I behind me. Save the animals everyone!

Greatest Achievement

Well… since Baywatch I’ve kinda been dining out on that a lot. I have been able to appear in several movies, although mainly as myself. Yeah… posing naked for Playboy was a big thing for me, I really wasn’t sure about it… but then I did it for GQ, and for Stuff, and for loads of others! I dunno, I want to say my boobs, but that would be, like, so small minded and stuff. Saving the animals I guess.

Personal Qualities

Well, aside from the obvious… I’ve got massive boobs (hehe, see what I did there?). No seriously, they are huge. Did I mention that I’m also really good at saving stuff, like animals, and campaigning for stuff, like eating vegetarian? ‘Cause I am.

Ambitions

To help blondes with big breasts everywhere get over stereotypes (I’ve done a lot for that, really), and to help the animals… there so cuddly, wuddly. Let’s try and turn the whole world into veggies and get rid fur clothes! Yay! Oh, and I really want to destroy every copy of that damn sex-tape.

Special Requirements

I need an endless supply of massive bras (although I do often like to go without one!) and some cream to stop chafing. All my food has to be veggie, of course, and, like, has to have had no animals involved in its production or something. I’ll also need a new rockstar boyfriend ’cause I, like, get a new one every month. Woo!

1. Bruce Lee

CVs - Bruce Lee

Previous Employment

Actor, Martial Artist, Philosopher.

Reason for Leaving Previous Job

The usefulness of a cup is its emptiness.

Greatest Achievement

Using no way as way.

Personal Qualities

If one loves then one does not need an ideology of love.

Ambitions

Faith make it possible to achieve that which man’s mind cannot concieve and believe.

Special Requirements

To be formless, shapeless lke water.

All images via wikimedia, unless otherwise stated.

  • Donchinmike

    It’s achIEvement.
    Great post though! Keep up the good work.

  • Fiend

    lol way to insult the person who spent all that time to create this post. lol Dickhead