If you are scared by the booming industry of doctors and hospitals and fake flu shots — you should be. Every generation opts to undergo ‘cures’ which are not really cures at all, but ridiculous charades with no medical effects whatsoever (except for negative ones). Doctors think they know everything just because they went to medical school, but there’s a whole other world of alternate medicine out there that they don’t want you to know about, just because it’s probably insanely dangerous. Don’t let Big Pharma scare you! You can be scared by these crazy cures instead.
Dead Scorpions on the Face
Don’t let some “doctor” say that you need “prescribed medicine” just because he has some fancy degree. In China, you can have scorpion carcasses applied directly to your face. That’s way more badass than some doctor injecting you with a mystery serum.
Ever get stung by a bee? Turns out, that bee may have been trying to cure your aching bones or MS. So if you’re laid up with a complicated medical issue, you really have nothing to lose by punching the nearest beehive. At least the beehive will be down and you’ll probably have a nice handful of honey to go along with your agonizing, painful, curative stings.
In the 12th Century, being a “doctor” meant doing things like prescribing mummy powder for wounds and bruises. This usually happened after some meddling kids and a dog foiled the mummy’s plan and captured him. Sadly, science has yet to find a cure made from phantoms or swamp monsters.
Tobacco Smoke Enema
There was an actual time when a doctor would blow smoke up your ass and you’d pay him for the privilege. Learned from the Native Americans (who obviously took a prank on their European friends way too far), the smoke is believed to help you poop or at the very least, make your poop smell like a carton of Marlboros.
In the 2nd Century, the Chinese began to “cure” Syphilis with mercury, which just goes to show you how desperate people get with their junk is on the line. This treatment lasted all the way to the 20th century, when insurance companies realized that mercury was too expensive and rare to give to their customers.
When your genitals aren’t functioning, guys will pretty much try anything. In the 18th and 19th centuries, the thing to try was electricity on the ol’ wiener. Shockingly, this Johnson abuse didn’t work and sadly, there was no YouTube then so we could mock the idiots who tried it.
Once again, the Chinese have crazy remedies, including applying a terrapin to your face. Sadly, your local CVS does not have terrapins in stock and they are a special order.
Maybe it’s the idea of “fighting fire with fire”, but using malaria to fight syphilis sounds like burning down your house just to kill the roaches. This cure actually works, though it is exceedingly dangerous. Maybe it would be better just to lay off the hookers and use a condom.
Hot Irons for Hemorrhoids
Keep in mind, medieval doctors lived in the era when there was a lot of torture (no doubt we’ll be seeing some waterboard cures soon). The Middle Ages monks believed that by using hot irons, you could remove your hemorrhoids and probably scream a whole lot.
Heroin for Kids!
Heroin was widely touted as a miracle drug. Then again, what else do you expect to hear from people who are probably already addicted to heroin? Heroin was put into cough syrup, which was no doubt given to kids. The kids didn’t like the medicine at first, but then they couldn’t get enough!
Roman and Indian cultures gave us urine therapy. But then again, they also gave us vomitoriums and insanely hot restaurant buffets. When ‘urine’ trouble, rubbing pee in during a massage or drinking it was said to cure a variety of ailments and make you smell like that guy that begs for change on the subway platform.
We’re not sure who was the first medieval jackhole to say, “Hey, as long as you’re sick, let’s bleed you.” For some reason, people thought this was a good idea. It would be hundreds of years later before it became cool with your Goth nephew that works at Hot Topic.
Get your mind out of the gutter! This is a serious instrument of body change! You can’t rely on those Korean girls to do it every time you go to the massage parlor. Besides, that costs extra.
Did you ever hear that expression, “I need that like I need a hole in the head”? Well, some people take that expression in a different way. They believe that by drilling holes into their skulls they can relieve pressure, and they usually do…When their brains come pouring out.
Hands down, the most insane cure of all time was developed in Arabia around the 16th century. It involved men who would literally eat themselves to death by consuming only honey. Then, once they died, their bodies were sealed in honey for many years. Their tasty bodies would then be used to treat wounds. Sure, it sounds extreme, but it’s still the only thing that’s 100% covered on Arabian HMO’s.