Has anyone ever asked you to be their best man or maid of honor? Did you enjoy it? If so, there may be a job in your future…

1. CA: Positions Available @ Private Women’s Gym

Women’s Athletic Club is looking for part-time front desk help and instructors. Must be flexible, professional and dependable. Good ideas are always welcomed.

If you’re male and tend to gawk, please be very good at hiding it.

2. CA: Bike, Segway, & Walking Tour Guides / Guerilla Marketers

Our guests are always jealous that we get to do this everyday and get paid for it. This job is perfect for anyone who wants to get experience and break into the hospitality industry in San Diego in a big way.

Requirements: Friendly, on time everytime, out-going, calm under pressure, humble, basic Segway knowledge.

Whatever you do, just be sure you’re good at riding a Segway.

3. CA: Baggage Handler

We are searching for a temporary Baggage Handler who is able to lift up to 70lbs. The job entails picking up and moving luggage from one place to another.

The job location is at LAX, for an outbound flight to Cuba.

Extra income possible if you use this position to smuggle drugs.

4. CA: KNOW SOMEONE WHO’S PREGNANT?

MAJOR NETWORK NOW CASTING A NEW DOCUMENTARY SERIES ABOUT FIRST-TIME PREGNANCIES.

We are looking for pregnant women, 18+, who want to prepare the father to be for what’s to come!

Although we may contribute to your divorce, you must sign a waiver absolving us of any financial responsibility for it.

5. MA: Wanted URGENTLY: Best Man for wedding

I’m backing out on my cousin last minute, and I before I do it, I need someone lined up to take my place, because I’m not sure that he’ll be able to find someone at such short notice.

Due to the sensitivity of this position, and the short time available, please only apply if you are sincere, clinically sane & stable and experienced.

“Clinically sane” may be an overstatement, but we’ll hire you anyway.

Happy Friday!

This week’s jobs include a position for a hippy, a meat cutter, and an amateur astronaut. If none of those suit your fancy, you can be the person who provides a ladder for someone stuck in a well. No kidding:

1. Denver: Hippies with the Flow!!

Our hip art company is looking for career oriented men and women who enjoy music, money and casual dress. No experience necessary. Paid training. Travel possible.

* Compensation: $450/wk up to $45k/yr

This all sounds fine and good, but what exactly are you, the hippy, doing for $450/week?

2. Las Vegas: COURTESY PATROL OFFICER

Seeking Courtesy Patrol Officers, responsible for maintaining the safety and integrity of the property.

Applicants must be ARMED!

Must be disciplined enough not to point guns at pot-smoking teenagers, hot tub poachers, and the other benign riffraff you will battle on a nightly basis.

3. Denver: Meat Cutter

Looking for experienced meat cutter for part time work (15-20 hours per week). We cut meat to order, and grind our own burger and sausage.

Must know beef and lamb extremely well. Knowledge of pork and chicken also helpful.

If you know dog, cat, or coon, please don’t mention it during your interview.

4. Alberta: Astronaut Needed

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.

* Compensation: $25,000 CASH.

That’s $25,000 for your life. Blow it fast, before you die on Titan.

5. Philadelphia: IN A WELL, NEED LADDER

I’m offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won’t come because they think i’m joking. I’m definitely NOT… I have water but have not eaten in two days.

Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I’m going to find you and do terrible thing to you.

Hoax? Perhaps, but funny.

Happy Friday!

1. LA: Driver for the BUS (Driver for the BUS)

Adult Day Care needs a Driver BP class.
Monday to Friday. Pay – $ 45.00

• Location: Driver for the BUS

I know that driver for the BUS makes sense in other languages…but in English, it’s just plain funny.

2. LA: Dream job for the right person… could it be you?

Dream job for the right person… could it be you?

Description: Well established adult oriented website company looking for someone with a knack for choosing the best adult material. With the training we provide, you’ll be selecting pictures and videos for our sites on a daily basis. So yes, basically you get paid to look at porn, but there’s a lot more to it than you might think. You have to know EXACTLY what to look for. It takes a highly-trained and keen eye to select the proper images for our websites. The difference between picking the right and wrong pictures even one time can mean thousands in additional sales revenues for the company.

“Highly-trained,” in this context, means you have watched a lot of porn.

3. Canada: Taboo Sales Reps Needed

Looking For Sales Help For The Upcoming Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show.
Needs To Be Energetic, Outgoing and Great Customer Service. Duties Would Include Greeting and Helping Customers, Setup and Tear Down of Show.

Please note this is an adult oriented show and you must be 18 and over to apply.

Must be comfortable selling jelly-like protrusions intended to fit into outlandish places.

4. Canada: Installer for chimney wanted

Looking for a chimney “expert” to install wood burning stove chimney on a weekend. Not to be offensive but please do not apply if you are a weekend handiman or someone who read how to install a chimney. Must know code. Please send me your info and I will contact you. Thank you.

Note to weekend handymen: Just be really, really good at pretending you’re an expert. And don’t being an instruction manual like the last guy did.

5. Canada: Love piercings and tattoos???

Looking to hire ENERGETIC, OUTGOING, HARD WORKING, and MOTIVATED sales people!! Christmas is a busy season and we need good sellers!! do you love to work?

please write a little blurb about yourself when applying. What makes you stand out? what weird or cool hobbies do you have?? tell us something that makes you, YOU!

You love to work, you don’t get any breaks, you have to stand around in a mall, and you have weird/cool hobbies. Why don’t they just directly ask for teenagers in desperate need of money?

Happy Friday!

Sometimes, people pay you to be who you are. These jobs can be the best kinds of gigs…if they pay more than a pittance. This week’s jobs demonstrate that you can make money being a hateful Alaskan resident, someone who needs their wisdom teeth pulled, or a Russian with access to an executive office:

1. Alaska: ‘To the Point’ Writers

Looking for aggressive writers with a no non-sense vision regarding Alaska politics, saracastic personal experiences, regarding just about anything (keep it clean), and off the cuff thoughts about things that aggravate you re: Alaska. Think Seinfeld. Multiple subjects that irk you. No holding back. I prefer ideas from people that are transients that have moved here and feel somewhat out of place with how slow things move and how different it feels.

People who like Alaska will not be considered.

2. Austin: COUNTER HELP HAM WRAPPERS

Large Retail store needing seasonal help. Counter help and Ham Wrappers/cutters. All applicants must be clean cut and have experience working and greeting the public. Apply in person.

Can you imagine meeting strangers after taking this job? “So what do you do?” “I wrap hams.”

3. Austin: Need Your Wisdom Teeth Removed?

Research co. is looking for men and women to participate in a medical research study of an investigational pain medication following wisdom teeth removal. If you qualify and participate, one of our board-certified oral surgeons will remove your wisdom teeth at no cost, and you may receive up to $350 financial compensation. Participants must be willing to stay overnight in the clinic. Call us or visit our website for more information.

Better hope that pain medication works.

4. Raleigh: Sales for the Hunter not farmer

Established Software company is looking for the right person to cover the Raleigh and East area of Nc. Are you a Hunter… Full Commission dosent bother you since you will succeed in any market. Not a wanabe.. if you have verifiable Sales Credientials send me an email. We do a lot of training, you must be of the mindset to learn. If you want to do it your way, go start your own business.

Compensation: Full Commission. 16% to 25% of the sale

Now, what was wrong with farmers again?

5. LA: Need RUSSIANS for short film

Need 2 Russian Actors for Short film. SOME PAY INVOLVED. Someone that has access to an EXECUTIVE-Looking office gets SPECIAL CONSIDERATION. Please speak english and FLUENT RUSSIAN. THANK YOU!!

Compensation: $25-$75

If you happen to be a Russian person with access to an executive office, there’s an instant $25…for dealing with people who want to film you. Is that really worth it?

Happy Friday!

This week’s weird jobs hold a lot of potential to be evil. You can “poke fun” at the Fed–or verbally slaughter it. You can pretend to be an FBI agent. Or drive around taking blood vials for people–and get paid based on how many you collect. At the end of the day, however, you can make up for your bad deeds by working for good karma:

1. Los Angeles: Poke-fun at the government and the Federal Reserve–full time $50-100K

A talented and prolific writer/editor is needed to help us poke-fun at the economy, the government, and the Federal Reserve. Your writing style should be confident and conversational with a touch of dry wit and sarcasm. The subject matter is global economics, monetary history, and precious metals.

This is a fun, fun, fun job.

Remember: The Fed is funny. Funny. We’ll call you out when your humor gets mean. Which it probably will.

2. Los Angeles: Actors to play FBI Agents

Amazing low budget movie need Actors to play FBI Agents. we need guys and girls to play FBI agents pay is $50 at the end of the shoot (about 5 hours). Please bring a suit and call if you are would like to be apart of this movie.

We would like to discourage you from bringing real weapons to the set.

3. Los Angeles: Experienced Bankruptcy Attorney Need For California Firm

Prominent California bankruptcy firm has an immediate opening for an experienced attorney. Prior bankruptcy experience is a must. The firm specializes in chapter 7 and 13 bankruptcy filings. A very competitive salary and bonus program will be offered to the right candidate.

This California firm needs a bankruptcy attorney. So does California.

4. San Francisco: Phlebotomist – Mobile – Extra Income

Looking for licensed Phlebotomists to be a part of a new mobile company focused on the accurate and timely collection of laboratory specimens throughout the San Francisco area. If you have reliable transportation that’s insured and would like to make extra income feel free to respond with your contact information and or resume if possible.

• Compensation: Per collection

Does the prospect of roaming phlebotomists getting paid per collection make anyone else nervous?

5. Online Activist Interns

Want to help save civilization from ecological/social collapse? Want to help heal our planet and transform America and the world’s economies into ones that are green and sustainable? We need one web designer to make the site launch-ready and many others to help spread the word online to social networks, organizations, the press and individuals.

• Compensation: Unpaid but with lots of satisfaction and good karma.

Good karma. Nice.

Happy Friday!

Next time someone asks you what you do, you can say “I’m a nemesis,” or “I’m a budtender.” At least, that would be the case if you picked up one of the jobs below:

1. Adult Fantasy Phone Artist (work from home)

Adult Fantasy Phone Artists needed for established phone service. Knowledge of fetishes a plus. Must have phone to make long distance calls from Land line with unlimited long distance to US & Canada. Accents or foreign language a + ie: British, Latin, Asian, French, Indian Experience a +. Compensation: $10 for 20 min $5 for 10 min

Latin accent, eh? Must be a lot of historians calling in.

2. San Francisco: Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibility to extend

I’ve been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I’m 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I’m old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again.

British accent preferred.
• Compensation: $350 up front

You can tell this guy works in insurance. Someone else might, say, punch or slander someone to acquire a real-life nemesis. The job poster, on the other hand, wants all the benefits of a nemesis–without the risk.

3. Texas: Successful Independent Women/Man Reality Show

Are you a successful woman/man? Do you have your own successful business? Are you the best in your field? Are you a doctor, attorney realtor, making at-least 6 figures??? … Do you have an elite group of friends? Do you find it hard to find the right man/woman because of your success? We are interesting in interviewing successful women; single, engaged or recently divorced…. If selected – participants will receive some compensation & Possible Reality show placement.

We will try to hook you up with handsome studs looking for sugar mommas.

4. Los Angeles: Medical Marijuana Budtender

We are looking for an attractive female bud tender for our unique medical marijuana pharmacy. Must be self motivated, responsible and reliable. Sales experience is a plus but not a must. Must be able to obtain doctor recommendation. Please provide your current photo(s), a short letter, and resume.

So people will buy more pot when there’s a hot girl behind the counter? Sounds half-baked, but oddly plausible.

5. Louisiana: The Winning Edge

Well-established company in need of an independent Data Entry Clerk. Must have following: Computer – high speed connection, telephone, fax machine. Computer needs Micro-soft Office Apps.

We would like someone who is good with time management, sincere, and well rounded.

Micro-soft = Microsoft, spelled with a Southern accent.

Happy Friday!

One of the best aspects of having money is that you can outsource. Being rich can make housecleaning, gardening, and washing your own car things of the past. You can even outsource painful mental tasks. Like motivating yourself:

1. Los Angeles: Personal Motivator

Personal Motivator will insure that I get up and out to whatever scheduled activity we have planned during the week. Motivator must be an early riser and motivational.

You will meet on either Saturdays or Sundays to discuss my training schedule and coordinate efforts.

I am intrinsically unmotivated, and unmotivated to become motivated, but can afford to outsource this neural function, so please take it over.

2. Louisiana: Odd job, build half a fence

I need someone to build the second half of my fence. It is partially fenced with 6 ft chain link. 2 sides of the yard need fencing, about 20 ft or less each side.

I murdered our first fencer before he could finish. I’ll try not to do that with you, too
3. Louisiana: Club Security

Must be able to Control ANY situation
Must be battle ready
Must be professional
Must be Tempermental
Must be able to follow all rules and regulations
This is not A job for weak individuals

Don’t “temperamental” and “able to control any situation” contradict each other? These guys are looking for one heckuva bouncer.

4. Los Angeles: $75,000+. GO-GREEN AD-PLANTERS For Hotel Rooms!

For more than a decade we’ve been supplying leading Hotel Chains with live plants based upon our patented technology of growing them in artificial soil.

$75,000+ First Year is the Average. A Rich Commission Schedule…Exclusive Sales Territories…Immediate Management Opportunities. A True Career Opportunity with a Responsible Decade Old Company!

So the Concierge Planter commands total attention, is totally interactive, and is the absolute focal point of a hotel room. I guess it never finds its way into hotel rooms with cable TV.

5. Arizona: Rock Chip Repair Technician Needed Door 2 Door

Hiring 7 door to door rock chip repair sales technicians. We will include any training and processing. You must be able to speak English well and go door to door in residential places. Insurance companies pay to have the windshield repaired.

Compensation: $15-$19 Per hour.

Please do not chisel chips into anyone’s windshield before you ring their doorbell.

Happy Friday!

This week’s jobs are the kinds of gigs you take when you’re out of other options. Vodka salesperson. Mascot. Strong person who loads mystery objects into a truck. And if you can’t do any of that, why not try to turn your kid into a famous actor? Only one job on this entire list requires specialized skills…can you guess which one it is?

1. Denver: Child Actors Sought for Short Film

Looking for child actors for a short film.

We are looking for:
Male lead actor, 8-10 y/o in appearance
Male supporting actor, 11-13 y/o in appearance
Female supporting actress, 7-10 y/o in appearance
Male and Female extras, 10-14 y/o in appearance

Children with real-life imaginary friends encouraged to apply.

2. Denver: Sell New U.S. Made Vodka for commission (profits go to veterans)

Need sales people to work for 10-15% commission. Breaks down to $12-18 per 6 bottle case sold, upward sliding scale. Obviously bigger accounts mean bigger orders & more commission, but small, high volume accounts can be good too if handled properly.

Can be part or full-time.

Our last employee thought the vodka, not the profits, went to veterans. Please don’t make the same mistake.

3. Idaho: MASCOT WANTED

INTERVIEWING FOR RELIABLE PERSON FOR MASCOT POSITION. WORK VARIOUS LOCATION IN THE CITY. MUST HAVE FUN PERSONALITY. PLEASE CONTACT FOR APPOINTMENT.

* Compensation: $8 PER HR

We’re not telling you what kind of mascot you’ll be, because it’s kind of embarrassing. Just apply and wear the hot pink beaver suit, OK?

4. Maine: DONUT BAKER

Looking for a donut baker with at least 3 years experiance in Handcut Donuts. Please apply at Brooklyn’s Bakery, located at 65 main st in Biddeford, Maine. Only apply during the hours of 2 pm and 5 pm monday thru friday. Ask for Debbie.

* Compensation: Shift pay is $80 per shift

Baking eclairs or bear claws will result in your termination.

5. East Texas: Looking for three strong arms

looking for three strong young men to come help us load a couple of heavy items into the back of a pickup. These items weigh well over 600 pounds each. We’ll only need help for about 15 minutes. There’ll be two of us, so 5 should be able to get it done no problem.

* Compensation: 15 dollars each

Those “heavy items” are actually sedated cougars, but we’re not gonna tell you that in the ad.