One of the most prominent features of the past decade — the meteoric rise of social networking websites — has changed the way we communicate and interact, both online and in that other place that’s like the Internet but with sunlight and consequences.  Facebook stands alone as by far the largest and most expansive social network, registering nearly 800 million active users.  That’s roughly two and a half times as many people on the entire Internet in 2000.  So yeah, they’re kind of a big deal.  But like any one person, company or government becoming too powerful, they’ve inevitably turned a little bit sinister in some pretty evil ways. 
 

Facebook Makes You a Worse Person

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To start this out, it’s important to say that the realm of studying social networks and their effects on people is notoriously difficult.  How do you measure the value of time spent on Facebook relative to other time?  In one person’s view it might be frivolous “OMG YOU LOOK SO CUTE” commenting on  duck-faced pictures.  In another person’s view, it’s valuable networking that will pay dividends in employment, education and general happiness later in that person’s life.  It’s also unfair to single out Facebook and online social networking in particular since it’s not entirely clear that, if Facebook did not exist, a person wouldn’t instead spend their time socializing elsewhere instead of doing their homework.  That said, anything that we do more frequently on the internet than look at porn requires us to admit that it’s probably having some sort of effect. 

So with all those caveats out of the way, an early study of Facebook’s effect on teenagers has found that it turns them into narcissistic, impatient, entitled little cretins.  While this kind of sounds like the critique every old man or woman has had about the younger generation since the beginning of time, in this case it kind of makes sense.  Imagine a world where heaping praise on your friends was free, cheap, and a hell of a lot easier than physically tracking them down and saying awkward compliments to their face.  Ten years ago if a kid went through the halls of his or her middle school telling everyone what they had for breakfast, they’d receive a heap of much-deserved indifference and scorn.  On Facebook, they’ll probably get a small number of “likes” and perhaps even “I luv capn crunch omg so random!!!” simply because it’s so easy and there are no consequences.   

Now imagine starting every day thinking that people actually care about what you ate that morning, and tell me that doesn’t sound exactly like the entitled self-centeredness that crafts many a classy, celebrity. 

Lower Grades

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There’s a small amount of emerging evidence that high users of Facebook score lower than their non-Facebook-using counterparts.  As mentioned earlier, there’s a definite chicken-and-the-egg problem to drawing too much from these studies.  Most importantly, it’s difficult to tell if the people using Facebook heavily wouldn’t just waste their time getting high and awkwardly hitting on Freshmen if Facebook didn’t exist. 

But in an environment where educators are already desperately trying to shut out social pressures to get the little terrors to focus on a few equations for just a few precious seconds, a world where their minds are constantly a buzz with the latest gossip delivered instantly to their smartphone can’t possibly be helping.  Sure there is some evidence that the drop in grades is not really attributable to Facebook and it might actually increase social acuity, in a world where America greatly in the hard sciences a few more engineers over therapists might be helpful.   

Privacy

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Probably the most publicized instance of Facebook being evil is their numerous, numerous scandals involving user privacy.  As end-users, we trust Facebook with a lot of personal information, and to a certain extent the age-old maxim of “don’t put anything on the Internet you wouldn’t want the world to see (because they will)” holds true.  That said, Facebook has repeatedly violated agreements with users, changed agreements without warning, and hidden privacy controls deep within the annals of a user’s profile.  They have a very strong incentive to get as much of your personal information on the site as possible because, despite their insistence to the contrary, they sell it to third parties. 

This all wouldn’t be so bad if Facebook was the least bit up front about how much information was actually private.  Or if they kept promises to users to do a better job of protecting personal information.  Or if privacy breaches didn’t continue to happen, one after the other, again and again.  It’s no wonder that Facebook is one of the most reviled interfaces on the web, ranking below even the IRS. 

Envy and Stress

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You know how everyone has one of those friends that are so full of shit, but you wouldn’t know it unless you spent a little bit of time with them?  These people end up utterly impressing anyone they meet for under a few hours, and completely alienating almost anyone else.  Now imagine these people were able to carefully tailor their image, controlling not only what people said about them, but—through the selection of photographs—how they actually looked.  And imagine that the image that everyone tries to portray to the world was just a little bit more easy to get away with, and you have one of the most insidiously evil things about Facebook.  Since no one is going to post pictures of them vomiting and crying in the bathroom about how no one will ever love them and they’re still in love with their ex, everyone seems much more happy, actualized and lotsa-sex-having than you.   

In a word, Facebook breeds envy untempered by all those times we caught our friends writing whiny poetry and masturbating to unspeakable things.  The worst part is it feeds off itself in a Pleasantville-esque manner that seems a little out of place in the second decade of the 21st century.  Everyone thinks everyone else is perfect, and is therefore less willing to admit their faults, etc… etc…   

But just when you thought the mental trauma a calmly blue-tinged website would inflict was over, there’s also the fact that it’s been shown to increase stress in users.  How this works is a little silly, but intuitive.  Essentially think of all your social obligations before Facebook, and how much trouble you had remembering everyone’s birthday, anniversary, party, relationship status etc…  It seems like Facebook would make managing these things easier, and perhaps that’s true for Luddites with a few dozen friends.  For the rest of us, ante-Facebook we had maybe a dozen close friends and acquaintances to think about.  Now we have 500.  And we’re expected to remember everything because, hell, who’s too lazy to post on someone’s wall on their birthday.  It’s both the scale and the perceived ease of performing these actions that stresses users out. 

There’s also the common “Oh Shit My Mom’s On Here” reaction that has lead to more deleted comments than auto-corrects of the word “cope”.  You’re not just managing 500 friendships and relationships, you’re managing 500 relationships and friendships as they relate to one another. Every comment to a friend requires forethought of how 500 other people will respond and view you.  You may never be forced into an awkward in-person conversation on Facebook where you have to think of responses on the spot, but your social network just exploded by several orders of magnitude, try not to let it stress you out. 

Impossible to Escape

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In the ultimate twist to this horror story that has dominated our social lives for the past 4 years, we, the plucky heroes, go to exit the haunted house only to find it is locked from the outside. Like some sort of internet Hotel California, it takes less than 15 minutes to check into Facebook, but you can never leave.  The herpes of the Internet, Facebook even tracks users activity after they’ve logged out of Facebook and closed the window.  That’s admittedly more like the evil computer coming back online after being unplugged, but the point is Facebook doesn’t just violate your privacy and turn you into a narcissist, it does so apparently by watching Frankenstein, The Shining and The Ring and thinking “You know what, this would be a great way to treat our users.” 


If you are scared by the booming industry of doctors and hospitals and fake flu shots — you should be. Every generation opts to undergo ‘cures’ which are not really cures at all, but ridiculous charades with no medical effects whatsoever (except for negative ones). Doctors think they know everything just because they went to medical school, but there’s a whole other world of alternate medicine out there that they don’t want you to know about, just because it’s probably insanely dangerous.  Don’t let Big Pharma scare you!  You can be scared by these crazy cures instead.

Dead Scorpions on the Face

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Don’t let some “doctor” say that you need “prescribed medicine” just because he has some fancy degree.  In China, you can have scorpion carcasses applied directly to your face.  That’s way more badass than some doctor injecting you with a mystery serum.

Bee Stings

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Ever get stung by a bee?  Turns out, that bee may have been trying to cure your aching bones or MS.  So if you’re laid up with a complicated medical issue, you really have nothing to lose by punching the nearest beehive.  At least the beehive will be down and you’ll probably have a nice handful of honey to go along with your agonizing, painful, curative stings.

Mummy Powder

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In the 12th Century, being a “doctor” meant doing things like prescribing mummy powder for wounds and bruises.  This usually happened after some meddling kids and a dog foiled the mummy’s plan and captured him.  Sadly, science has yet to find a cure made from phantoms or swamp monsters.

Tobacco Smoke Enema

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There was an actual time when a doctor would blow smoke up your ass and you’d pay him for the privilege.  Learned from the Native Americans (who obviously took a prank on their European friends way too far), the smoke is believed to help you poop or at the very least, make your poop smell like a carton of Marlboros.

Mercury

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In the 2nd Century, the Chinese began to “cure” Syphilis with mercury, which just goes to show you how desperate people get with their junk is on the line.  This treatment lasted all the way to the 20th century, when insurance companies realized that mercury was too expensive and rare to give to their customers.

Electricity

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When your genitals aren’t functioning, guys will pretty much try anything.  In the 18th and 19th centuries, the thing to try was electricity on the ol’ wiener.  Shockingly, this Johnson abuse didn’t work and sadly, there was no YouTube then so we could mock the idiots who tried it.

Terrapin Touch

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Once again, the Chinese have crazy remedies, including applying a terrapin to your face.  Sadly, your local CVS does not have terrapins in stock and they are a special order.

Malaria

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Maybe it’s the idea of “fighting fire with fire”, but using malaria to fight syphilis sounds like burning down your house just to kill the roaches.  This cure actually works, though it is exceedingly dangerous.  Maybe it would be better just to lay off the hookers and use a condom.

Hot Irons for Hemorrhoids

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Keep in mind, medieval doctors lived in the era when there was a lot of torture  (no doubt we’ll be seeing some waterboard cures soon).  The Middle Ages monks believed that by using hot irons, you could remove your hemorrhoids and probably scream a whole lot.

Heroin for Kids!

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Heroin was widely touted as a miracle drug.  Then again, what else do you expect to hear from people who are probably already addicted to heroin?  Heroin was put into cough syrup, which was no doubt given to kids.  The kids didn’t like the medicine at first, but then they couldn’t get enough!

Urine Therapy

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Roman and Indian cultures gave us urine therapy.  But then again, they also gave us vomitoriums and insanely hot restaurant buffets.  When ‘urine’ trouble, rubbing pee in during a massage or drinking it was said to cure a variety of ailments and make you smell like that guy that begs for change on the subway platform.

Bloodletting

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We’re not sure who was the first medieval jackhole to say, “Hey, as long as you’re sick, let’s bleed you.”  For some reason, people thought this was a good idea.  It would be hundreds of years later before it became cool with your Goth nephew that works at Hot Topic.

Penis Exerciser

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Get your mind out of the gutter!  This is a serious instrument of body change!  You can’t rely on those Korean girls to do it every time you go to the massage parlor. Besides, that costs extra.

Trepanation

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Did you ever hear that expression, “I need that like I need a hole in the head”?  Well, some people take that expression in a different way.  They believe that by drilling holes into their skulls they can relieve pressure, and they usually do…When their brains come pouring out.

Honey Mummies

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Hands down, the most insane cure of all time was developed in Arabia around the 16th century.  It involved men who would literally eat themselves to death by consuming only honey.  Then, once they died, their bodies were sealed in honey for many years.  Their tasty bodies would then be used to treat wounds.  Sure, it sounds extreme, but it’s still the only thing that’s 100% covered on Arabian HMO’s.

Satan wasn’t always such a bad guy. There was a time when Satan was the coolest new kid on the block, and all the other angels wanted to hang out with him and wear the same color Nikes. Satan’s history is longer than just ‘the evilest guy ever’ and in his storied past, there are frightening similarities between himself and his good pal Michele Bachmann. Bachmann would certainly object to the comparison, but she doesn’t really have another choice, unless she wants to run shrieking from the throes of politics, exposed and banished forever. Although, who knows? Perhaps she would be just as welcome among her fellow vampires if she admitted what many fear to: that the best interest of this nation is not actually a concern of hers, that facts are only pawns to be manipulated and twisted for the sake of creating desirable reactions, and that a political death grip on those beneath her is the ultimate goal. This isn’t an article in the name of religion, but rather an inspection of Bachmann’s relationship with general evil. This has nothing to do with an actual God, but is about the ideals of peace and acceptance which are written in a bible that people seem to pick and choose rules from.

Maintain Satan’s rule of the earth (John 12:31, Revelation 12:3-17,16:14, 20:7-8)

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Satan’s rule of the earth: keeping people ignorant, distracted, unhappy, and evil.

Bachmann’s plans aren’t too far from that. As of late, she has repeatedly screwed up facts about history so badly that it’s a wonder she ever passed the seventh grade. It wasn’t just a single mistake, or a slip of the tongue, or confusing one famous politician from history with another. Bachmann literally claimed that immigrants coming to America never felt discriminated against, and that “everyone was treated the same.”

On the side of light is Anderson Cooper, who points out that African American slaves, Irish immigrants denied work due to their race, and Japanese-Americans placed in internment camps weren’t really feeling the equality. He also points out that she all but fabricated a lie regarding the cost of Obama’s recent trip to Japan, and created the idea that the founding fathers of America ‘wouldn’t rest until slavery was no more’ — the opposite of which is closer to the truth, as many of those men owned slaves themselves.

The only logical explanation for Bachmann’s lies is that she’s attempting to manipulate the less intelligent folks glued to the television screen, hoping that her ‘convincing’ lies will continue to distract and give false ideas to people who should be paying attention to more important issues (perhaps the fact that our economy is basically in danger of crumbling entirely). Bachmann promotes her evil through her ignorant lies, which are not convincingly made out of sheer stupidity.

Oppose God’s kingdom and the redemption of people (Revelation 12:17)

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Let’s say that God’s kingdom is a society in which the majority functions without rampant homelessness, poverty, and untreated mental illnesses. A place where prisons don’t exist merely to provide AT&T with cheap labor, and non-violent offenders are actually rehabilitated and given help instead of locked away in a violent, unkind world of metal and concrete. It would also be a place where science, education, and tolerance are promoted — not frivolous and hurtful ideas like homophobia, passing religiously-based judgments which infringe on the private lives of others, societal control, and war.

When put in that perspective, Bachmann absolutely opposes ‘God’s Kingdom.’ A perfect example of her evil opposition is a flier sent out regarding gay marriage; Bachmann compared gay marriage to Pearl Harbor.

‘Today we face perhaps the greatest attack on the family in our lifetime,’ she said. Not only are her ignorant and downright mean comments infuriating, but they are also an incredibly dangerous distraction. Things like the pursuit of knowledge and the betterment of society are important issues at hand, yet gay marriage is vehemently opposed as an ‘evil’. Not only has it already become clear that anti-gay politicians have finally begun to lose the fight, but the argument is over an issue which is so bafflingly unimportant that it can almost be called a non-issue. There, I said it. Gay marriage is a non-issue. If all the immigrants were treated the same when coming over to America, as Bachmann claims, and if that was the greatest thing about this country — then how can she explain her desire to control the private, non-harmful lives of others? It can only be one thing: pure evil.

Steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)

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The gay marriage issue continues in steal, kill and destroy, one of Satan’s main missions. Ignorance may lead people to believe that gay marriage is somehow ‘wrong.’ That’s somewhat unimportant; you see people do things you think are wrong every day. You go about your business. What would life be like if you were always telling other people what to do? “You should have held the door for that lady.” “You shouldn’t speak to your child like that.” “You didn’t tip enough.”

Sounds kind of tedious. The reason Bachmann can’t ‘live and let live’ is not because she’s on a crusade to save ‘the family’ in the name of God. She’s on a crusade to promote evil, ignorance, and anger among the American people. Instead of focusing on things that actually do cause this society great harm, like the vicious cycle of poverty which lets few escape, or the exoneration of clearly innocent people who remain in jail, Bachmann focuses on a completely irrelevant non-issue to distract society and keep the people hating one another.

Oppose God’s kingdom and the redemption of people (Revelation 12:17) – again

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A last note on gay marriage. Wouldn’t ‘redemption’ be refusing to judge thy neighbor, loving thy neighbor, and turning the other cheek? It would be the exact opposite of the un-Godly preachings of Michele Bachmann. Bachmann preaches intolerance, judgment, and cruelty to thy neighbor. This attitude can only oppose the advancement of society and promote moving backwards into ignorance and anger.

Inferior to God’s Kingdom: Jesus demonstrated this  by casting demons out (Matthew 12: 24-30)

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Society has cast out homophobic, ignorant politicians before. We’ve even cast out relative innocents like Anthony Weiner, whose guilt was only amplified because of previous ulterior motives to remove him. Weiner didn’t do anything that everyone else over the age of 18 (and many below that age) has done before — send (disappointingly not) raunchy photos to some lady he had a boner for. Bachmann needs to be cast out like Palin was cast out. Although supported by plenty of idiots nationwide, the majority of people were not fooled by Palin’s blatantly homophobic, retarded views on things like gay marriage and abortion. Any woman who opposes the freedom of choice must be in cahoots with Satan. There’s really no other explanation.

Draw worship, devotion and service from people to assist in mission accomplishment (Luke 4:7, Revelation 13: 1,3-4,8,11-12,14-15)

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Could it be any clearer? It’s already been repeatedly noted that Bachmann is distracting people with her nonsense. Her lies serve herself, not the people. Although, that’s a hard statement to make since she was called out on national television by Anderson Cooper.

Created perfect in beauty, adorned with precious stones and full of wisdom (Ezekiel 28:12-16)

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Bachmann may be a stupid, maniacal jerk, but she’s kinda pretty. If she were a fat American Indian male with a giant mole on his face, do you think people would listen to him rant about how gay marriage is wrong and pretend equality exists (and has always existed) in America? A select few probably would, but nowhere near the bumbling morons who were groping around for their next Sarah Palin when they found Michele Bachmann.

Established by God with tremendous power (Isaiah 14:9-11, Ezekiel 28:14)

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God, in this case, is the government. Bachmann does (unfortunately) have pull and power, and there are people out there listening to her and being convinced by everything she says. Never underestimate the power of a person on television. Or a person with boobies. She has both.

He also uses death (Hebrews 2:14), deception (Revelation 12:9), lust (Proverbs 11:6, 2 Peter 1:4, Ephesians 2:1-3) and pride (1 John 2:15-17) to rule the earth.

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Wow, shocking.

Death: Her comparisons of gay marriage to Pearl Harbor is a great way to get already somewhat homophobic individuals off that fence and hating on the fags in the name of Amurrrrrica. As long as gay marriage is likened to the slaughtering of Americans and the idea of the perfect American family, there will be Wal-Mart shoppers up in arms, ready to defend the honor of… stupidity? It certainly isn’t Godliness that’s being defended; if it were, the sinning heathens would be welcomed into the community with open arms. They would be spoken to kindly and with love, and allowed to sin and condemn themselves to hell all they wanted as long as it wasn’t hurting anyone else.

Deception: Again, Bachmann’s lies about the history of America are used only for evil and nothing more. Additionally, she ‘joked’ that God had caused Hurricane Irene to get the attention of politics. She actually said that. That is a quote by a person who is in office, who has political power, and who is allowed to appear on national television. What’s worse is that there are most likely a few nut jobs around the country who had nodded their heads in agreement.

Pride: Bachmann is clearly proud of herself for her genius ideas about the hurricane, gay marriage and Pearl Harbor, and the history of America. She’s so proud that she’s forgotten all about the rules of the Bible, a book she claims to live by. She’s become convinced that her rules somehow trump or are implied by the word of the Bible, which is the ultimate pride in her case. Not to mention:
Satan asks for God’s permission to afflict certain people:  Peter (Luke 22:31); Job (Job 1:11-12)

Wow, sounds like using the Bible to manipulate others into opposing gay marriage, don’t you think? Clearly, this Bachmann character is nothing more than a slew of evil bats under a cape of tits and blow-fried hair.

Every year, without fail, commonly recurring natural disasters, stormy weather conditions, changes in animal behavior, and even oddly shaped clouds in the sky prompt a new slew of lunatics to claim that end time is nigh. It’s almost as if — wait, it’s exactly the case that most of these people are biding their time, excitedly twiddling their thumbs in anticipation of the moment when Jesus defends from the sky to suck them up with a giant vacuum. That, or the prophet has ulterior motives, typically known as ‘brainwashing people’ and ‘creating distractions’. But forget logic; 2011 is the real beginning of the end! Here’s why.

Return of Christ is Scheduled for This Year

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Christian scientists in North Carolina have carefully examined scientific documents written and autographed by God himself to decipher the exact date he shall ride a giant dinosaur from the sky and smash people into a giant lake of red goo. These highly qualified professionals were commanded to warn people by God himself, and have decided to do the world a favor by refraining from end of the world beer pong parties to try and save the rest of us unfortunate losers who God clearly likes a lot less. The date is May 21, 2011, so mark your calenda– oh, wait. It looks like that date already passed without incident. Shockingly, the leader of that prophetic movement keeled over and died after the stress of being wrong and paying for crappy, meaningless billboards across the country ate away at his soul. Or maybe God was angry his release date was misrepresented, had beef and murked the dude.

Too Many Gays

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Earlier this year, birds began dying in flocks across America.  Arkansas saw thousands of blackbirds literally fall from the sky to their untimely and mysterious deaths. Then, thousands of fish died and washed up on the shore of the same state. State officials ruled out the dumping of toxic waste in the nearby waters, but still couldn’t find the cause of death. ‘Prophet’ Cindy Jacobs, however, was able to solve this mystery with her avid knowledge of plagues, afflictions, and self-proclaimed ability to ‘banish gay demons’.

“According to biblical principles, marriage is between a man and a woman, so we have to say ‘what happens when a nation makes a decision that’s against God’s principles?’. Well, often what happens is that nature itself will begin to talk to us –- for instance, violent storms, flooding.”

Not so coincidentally, the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell military rule was repealed only weeks before the animals began to die — a clear sign that God was getting fed up with America’s blasphemous progression toward treating homosexuals like real people instead of the sinning, mentally ill horde that they really are. Since gay marriage has just been legalized in NY and is fighting it’s way into legality in other states as well, we can only expect the earth to begin crumbling beneath our feet.

God Hates Other Stuff, Too

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Homosexuals aren’t the only people feeling the wrath of the lord these days — it seems like God’s hatred knows no boundaries, and he punishes people (using the universal code language of natural disasters, of course) for any infraction, and that he actually takes quite a strong stance on certain political issues. What better way to communicate with politicians than throwing a giant temper tantrum from the sky? Michelle Bachman was ‘joking’ when she said that God had sent hurricane Irene to ‘wake up’ politicians. She followed up the comment with ‘are you going to start listening to me here?’, which can only mean that Bachman has some sort of BFF bond with God through which she communicates his telephone-game messages.

Michelle,
I got kinda mad, sent Irene and killed 46 people LOL oops! Hope that will help your campaign.
XO
God

It should be mentioned that pretty much every natural disaster that happens gets blamed on God’s wrath and the approaching apocalypse, so you better ‘get right’ because even New York’s minuscule earthquake was a grim sign.

Too Impatient to Wait for 2012

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Fox News is reporting that the scheduled apocalypse in 2012 has been postponed due to human error interpreting the Mayan calendar, but everyone knows Fox news is a load of crap and can’t be taken seriously. This means that the apocalypse may definitely be coming in 2012 — or possibly even sooner. A book with big words and lots of facts about history also claims that interpretation of these calendars could be off by as much as 100 years, and with all the aforementioned natural disasters sent by our invisible friend floating in the sky, it could happen as soon as tomorrow. Prophets can sense impending doom, which totally explains why intuitive geniuses like Harold Camping and Wayne Bent have gone nuts trying to prepare for an apocalypse that seemed to be significantly late to the party — like animals before an earthquake, these upstanding citizens have felt the wrath coming and bought up billboard space to kindly warn the rest of us.

Important Worldly Issues Actually Insignificant

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What better time for the world to end than when there are actually significant political and social changes happening in multiple countries across the world? Violent rioting in London fueled by angry, inner-city mobs who grew tired of feeling mistreated by police and government. A revolution in Libya. Even the recent protests in Canada. These are all issues which are completely unimportant and should be paid no heed because the apocalypse is coming. It’s much more important to frantically clean bottled water out of our supermarkets, spend hours praying (but only before happy hour and Fringe), and creating blogs about your job at the nursing ward or Those Cool Pictures You Found. Don’t look at the upheaval or major changes happening in other countries, and don’t have any thoughts about those events besides “dude check out this crazy video” and “oh…yeah, whatever.”

Boredom

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Everyone in America seems to become increasingly bored as the years go on, and what better way to wake everyone up than an apocalypse? Proof of this can be seen in our recent obsession with zombies, which is now stronger than ever even though zombie movies have been around for decades. That’s not the only sign, though — iPads, iPods, iPhones, Wii, Kinect, DirectTV — all of these screens which suck us in to provide stimulation and distraction are beginning to bore us as well. Despite the fact that there are a countless number of games, television shows, and apps to numb our brains with, it seems like it’s not enough. We still feel the need to get wasted at happy hour after escaping from the jail that is the office, spend our paychecks on ‘hot new gadgets’ and look towards these behemoth distraction specialists for the freshest way to be entertained for fifteen minutes or less. What better way to wake people up than with a good ole apocalypse?

It Would be Great for Business

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Seriously, the apocalypse would be great for business. Despite the fact that companies would cease to exist after the world begins to implode and demonic children spew from its cracks to skewer us all on pitchforks, companies would truly thrive in the short time span before the apocalypse came to fruition. Just look at the spending trends during hurricane Irene; as soon as evacuations were issued, supermarkets were almost immediately sold out of pretty much everything. Lines stretched forty to fifty people long, full of miserable individuals determined to get the last pack of Coca Cola or Coco Puffs. Hardware stores didn’t even have AA batteries. These types of businesses would thrive right before money ceased to exist at all.

Darwin Would Love it

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Everyone knows that Jesus’ awesome vacuum only sucks up repentant goody-two-shoes and will leave the rest of us suckers behind. It sounds unfair — getting left behind on a crappy, ravaged earth while the God fearing Christians get to live out eternity drinking cloud martinis in the sky with Terry Chiavo and Harold Camping. Realistically, it may be the best thing that we could ever hope to happen. Jesus’ vacuum, better known as the JVAC 2011, will remove most of the narrow-minded homophobes and evil right wing republicans. The rest of us evildoers who, ridiculously enough, care about meaningless crap like ‘humanity’ and ‘common decency’ will be left to fend for ourselves — and each other! Darwin would be rooting us on without a doubt. Society could truly reform without the hindering input of people whose opinions serve no purpose other than to thwart the functioning of a healthy, progressive society.

Weight Loss

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A pill to lose weight, a shake to lose weight. A special contraption that makes the fat ‘fall off’ (which is gross when you think about it literally). Everyone (who is not a complete moron) knows that diet gimmicks don’t work. There’s no easy trick to losing 20 pounds, and taking pills aren’t going to do much besides make the user wired and slightly maniacal. If a person does lose weight with the use of diet supplements, the drug is usually pretty harmful — or the weight is regained once the drug is no longer in use. The only way to truly lose weight is by adopting a healthy and fit lifestyle. The apocalypse would be the best weight loss trick of all, because it would force people to live better or just freaking die. Fend for yourself on the burning streets, hunting stray cats and small children, or die. Leave the house (unless you have years of canned food stocked up, which plenty of people do) becomes imperative, as does exercise. It’s no secret that many Americans are grossly obese and also addicted to horrible poisons like McDonalds, which would probably be around after the apocalypse anyway considering that their food has no half life.

The Truth is Out There

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Every wanted to know what really happened to World Trade Center Building 7? Or what really went down in Area 51? Once the government has collapsed beneath the pressure of JVAC 2011, all these answers will (probably) become readily available to you! Between ex government employees who no longer have a need to keep America’s secrets, and unguarded top-secret papers, the possibilities for discovering answers are endless. Most of them will probably burn to the ground and plenty of officials with important information will most likely die, but we can always look to both the survivors and the crazy homeless people who have decided to take on the role of ex FBI agent and weave a marvelous story for us to write down into our notepads (no iPads allowed in the apocalypse). We can then pass theses notes down to the next generation, who will alter the words and pass the stories down to the generation after them, who will add the word ‘God’ and a bunch of arbitrary rules that they’ll use for mind control and world domination.

Being a ruthless dictator is a difficult job. Genocide, oppression, racism and avoiding assassination make a man pretty lonely. Here are 15 dictators looking for love using OK Cupid ads. Ladies? Ladies….?

Ali Abdullah Saleh: Yemen

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to keep myself from getting shot by my beloved people.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’ve been shot
I’m looking for: Someone who enjoys cooking Italian and oppressive rule
You should message me if: You own any predator drones. I love those things!

Jose Eduardo dos Santos: Angola

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to find Angola on a map
The first thing people usually notice about me: That you get two Santos for the price of one
I’m looking for: Someone who doesn’t mind living in a third world Hellhole
You should message me if: You like long walks on the beach strewn with the bodies of my enemies.

Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo: Equatorial Guinea

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to pronounce my name
The first thing people usually notice about me: That my name tag wraps around my chest
I’m looking for: A chick with a name like “Wu” or “Chi”. No more than three letters!
You should message me if: You like listening to Celine Dione.

Nursultan Abishuly Nazarbayev: Kazakhstan

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to have Sasha Baron Cohen killed
The first thing people usually notice about me: That there are a thousand corpses on my front lawn
I’m looking for: Someone that isn’t squeamish
You should message me if: You’re turned on by crimes against humanity.

Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko: Belarus

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to convince people that yes, that’s an actual name of a country
The first thing people usually notice about me: My gangsta tats.
I’m looking for: An old fashioned girl who thinks Hitler was misunderstood.
You should message me if: You’re a fan of Schindler’s List, except for the third act.

Frank Bainimarama: Fiji

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What I’m doing with my life: Living on a tiny island with one palm tree.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I was not in the band Bananarama.
I’m looking for: Two people to help me reenact the opening of Hawaii 5-O. You know, with the rowers at the beginning. That would be cool.
You should message me if: You realize I can’t get you any free bottled water.

Saparmurat Niyazov: Turkmenistan

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What I’m doing with my life: Banishing dogs from the capital because of their unappealing odor!
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I am strangling their dog
I’m looking for: Someone who understands they must be controlled by the state
You should message me if: You want a boyfriend-for-life!

Hamid Karzai: Afghanistan

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What I’m doing with my life: Collecting bribes and answering calls from crybaby warlords.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I am covered in poppy seeds.
I’m looking for: Bribes and dates. Preferably both.
You should message me if: Your bills are unmarked and you control at least four square miles of poppy fields.

Islom Karimov: Uzbekistan

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What I’m doing with my life: Boiling political opponents in oil.
The first thing people usually notice about me: I wear a chef’s hat everywhere!
I’m looking for: The proper seasoning for a Belgian.
You should message me if: You like your fondue screaming.

Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia

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What I’m doing with my life: Protecting the culture of my people by brutally oppressing them.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m wearing my sheets.
I’m looking for: Wife #142
You should message me if: You don’t mind group showers

Raul Castro: Cuba

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What I’m doing with my life: Waiting for my brother to die.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m not my brother and my face isn’t a T-shirt.
I’m looking for: Someone that will help me row to Miami.
You should message me if: You’d like some free cigars.

Robert Mugabe: Zimbabwe

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What I’m doing with my life: Trying to save up ten trillion Zimbabwe dollars for a loaf of bread.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m accompanied by a witch doctor wherever I go.
I’m looking for: A woman who will love me for who I am, a brutal dictator and a lover of fine wines.
You should message me if: You want to hook up with a racists homophobe.

Muammar Gaddafi: Libya

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What I’m doing with my life: As much as I can in the short time I have left.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m hiding behind a bunker and a battalion of bodyguards.
I’m looking for: A woman that is a tiger in the sack and can take a few bullets if she has to act as a human shield.
You should message me if: You’re not trying to figure out my coordinates for a missile.

Kim Jong-il: North Korea

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What I’m doing with my life: Making taller dictators look less crazy.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m only slightly less taller than the puppet that played me in Team America.
I’m looking for: Stuff to look at.
You should message me if: You are under four feet and don’t mind calling me “Great Leader” in the sack.

Hosni Mubarak: Egypt

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What I’m doing with my life: I’m retired… for now.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m being chased by Egyptian peace activists.
I’m looking for: Someone that longs for oppressive rule and an iron fist.
You should message me if: You like the Pyramids. I can get us tickets. Front row.

It’s tempting to assume that in the back of every Wal-Mart (and some of the seedier Targets) there’s a machine that combines obscure, sterile chemicals and a dash of cancer into everything the modern human needs. Looking at the ingredient list of just about any processed food certainly gives that impression. The truth is some really weird things ended up in your daily life for some incredibly bizarre reasons.

Denim

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In the short list of things indelibly American, a pair of denim jeans ranks right up there with Grandma’s Apple pie and starting wars in countries with unpronounceable names. Is there anything more iconic in American culture than the denim-clad cowboy slowly smoking a Marlboro while contemplating what a rogue he is and how he just needs a woman to change him? Well the ugly truth is…

Actually, they’re from France.

Denim is actually a bastardization of De Nimes, meaning essentially “This is from that country that symbolizes everything real Americans hate“. Though it might seem like it, denim jeans aren’t made of any special quasi-kevlar material, they’re just a specific cotton weave that was developed by some industrious Frenchmen in the 18th century. Though they were invented elsewhere, Americans can take comfort in the fact that, like the automobile, we were the ones who made them cool.

Red Bull

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Commonly known as the pick me up second only to coffee and that thing you get wasted on second to alcohol, Red Bull has quickly become a staple among bar-goers and exhausted college students world-wide. The drink was originally discovered when an Austrian entrepreneur noticed that a drink called Krating Daeng helped cure his jetlag while visiting Thailand. It was quickly integrated into his beverage company’s line and the rest is history. Which is funny because…

Actually, the energy kick comes from cow bile.

If you pick up the can of Red Bull that you, internet user, most likely have lying around somewhere, you’ll notice that one of the ingredients is something called “Taurine”. This very appropriately named compound is derived from the bile of cows, and, like caffeine, is a naturally-occurring stimulant in mammals. If this fact grosses you out, take comfort in the fact that nowadays taurine shows up in just about every energy drink on the market.

Salad Dressing

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What is a salad if not an excuse to consume copious amounts of mayonnaise disguised as “dressing”? Everything looks healthier when it’s slathered on some iceberg lettuce, and a straight helping of pure animal fats and vegetable oil is no different. Well it’s a good thing that dressing doesn’t get more disgusting than that because then we would never go anywhere near leafy greens. Oh wait except it totally gets more disgusting than that because…

Actually, it’s made from putrid, decaying slime.

Imagine you left a pile of vegetables to rot in the hot, humid sun for a couple of days. Can you picture the thin layer of slime that’s formed like a perverse glaze as they degrade? That’s Xantham Gum, also known by the completely inedible description of “bacterial coat”. Apart from showing up in practically everything, it’s a common ingredient in salad dressing. Its unique chemical properties make it a perfect additive to anything that needs to be thick, creamy and oily. Don’t hurt yourself thinking about jokes related to that sentence.

Cheese

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Throughout all of history, one thing has been certain: life is undoubtedly improved by a double bacon cheeseburger. There are few ingredients in the culinary repertoire that can increase the calorie count deliciousness of a meal quite like a good slice of cheese. Light and sharp or heavy and smelling like armpits, nothing bitch slaps the palate like a good piece of cheese. Which is an appropriately metal description since cheese is…

Actually made from ground up stomach of the animal they took the milk from.

As a milk derivative, cheese is beholden to the speed of chemical reactions. And in the world of chemical reactions, enzymes are the angry drug dealers that break down your door, sleep with you wife, and make a mess of your pots and pans. Specifically, an enzyme known as Rennet is used to turn thin, watery milk into the badass tongue-curb-stomping-cheese that it was always meant to be. Rennet occurs naturally in the stomachs of cows and other mammals, so, according to the brutalistic rules of cheese crafting, their stomachs are ground up and mixed with milk to produce a variety of cheeses. There are a handful of cheeses produced with artificial substitutes of rennet, but connoisseurs conclude that such cheeses are usually sub-par in taste and “kind of pussy, come on guys”.

Kotex

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Kotex is well-known today as a popular line of feminine products including pads, tampons, and other euphemistically titled “Period Protection” devices. Kotex was actually one of the first widely advertised and distributed pads in history, back when they were made with wood pulp. After a pause to allow all the women reading this to shudder, we can continue with their even more cringe-inducing origin.

Actually, they were originally used to treat horrible, disfiguring wounds in WWI

Before World War I, Kotex had nothing to do with women’s hygiene. All they did was make bandages. With the war ending and the 17-35 with-gaping-wounds demographic began to dry up, Kotex began to look elsewhere to sell their absorbent bandages. The truly disturbing part about all of this isn’t that MaxiPads were once used as actual bandages, but that someone saw a gushing, bloody stump on the battlefield and thought to himself “Now what does that remind me of…”

Twinkies

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You read Twinkies up there and are now silently praying that these delicious golden treats aren’t ruined for the rest of your life. Well the dastardly truth is that Twinkies don’t actually contain any dairy products. Isn’t it weird that one of the items most closely associated with the phrase “cream filling” in American culture doesn’t have a drop of milk? Just kidding.

Actually, they’ve got a heaping helping of Beef Fat.

The problem with the American palate is that we want it all. Every dish needs a heaping helping of the essential vitamins and minerals that matter: fat, salt, and sugar. It’s hard to blame Hostess for this decision, after all it’s that hint of savoriness, or umami that makes Twinkies the object of nearly every post-apocalyptic toil.

Graham Crackers

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Some remember Graham Crackers as the heavenly container of s’mores, some remember them as a crappy excuse for a cookie in kindergarten. Graham Crackers have a long and storied history, and date back to the invention of another staple: Kellog’s famous corn flakes. That’s because Kellogg and Graham were contemporaries who both subscribed to the idea that bland foods were inherently healthy. And not just that…

Actually, they were designed to limit the eater’s sex drive.

Dr. Graham was an adamant activist against masturbation, and believed that lustful urges were at the base of most health problems. Graham crackers were supposed to be so bland that they would bland-up the whole of the consumer’s personality, including sex drive. The modern version of the cracker is made with bleached, refined flour and heaping helpings of sugar and cinnamon—all things Graham would have detested for their tendency to make couples want to have sex outside of a hole in the sheet. Knowing that these crackers were intentionally designed to hold back sexual urges puts a new spin on the fact that they’re commonly given to young children.

Jelly Beans

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Contrary to the presumably sex-killing properties of Graham crackers, urban legend fanatics have been scarfing down green jelly beans for decades. For whatever reason, it is believed that the color green is an aphrodisiac, a belief stretching back hundreds of years. Which is funny because you probably won’t be so aroused when you find out they’re…

Actually made from crushed Lac Bugs.

Oh come on, you knew the “crushed up bugs” entry was coming sooner or later, and the bug juice at camp was a low-hanging fruit. The shellac is what gives jelly beans that shiny, crispy outer shell. Well that and enough pure, caramelized sugar to induce diabetic coma. Shellac is also a main ingredient in several varnishes, and pretty much anything that has a smooth, shiny coat to it. Shellac was used for paints and varnishes long before it ever ended up in candy, so one has to wonder who it was that said “Let’s crush some paint chips and throw them into children’s candy”.

IEDs

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The infamous IED has become the notorious tool of insurgents, terrorists and other nice folk you see in church on Sunday. Many are composed of Urea Nitrate, which is almost as destructive as the more commonly employed Ammonium Nitrate, but much easier to obtain the ingredients for. You would think that there would be wide-spread efforts to limit the constituent ingredients in Urea Nitrate, except…

Actually, it’s made from piss.

Urea is a chemical that occurs naturally in human urine. Combine distilled urea with a powerful fertilizer (the nitrate in the name) and you get a hefty explosive that’s nearly impossible to prevent people from producing. Take comfort though; this disgusting, explosive additive is only an ingredient in…well pretty much everything.

Vanilla & Raspberry Flavoring

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When someone says vanilla or raspberry flavoring, you’re probably thinking of some incredibly artificial compound that emulates the taste of raspberry and vanilla without actually going anywhere near a vanilla bean or a raspberry. For most ingredients that fall under that dubious “artificial flavors” at the end of the Nutrition Facts, you’d be right. But sometimes the flavor comes from what can charitably be termed “natural ingredients” because, you see, your next bottle of raspberry-flavored juice…

Actually is flavored with beaver ass.

Specifically, a pair of glands in a beaver’s anus produce a scent known as castoreum (which is what it will show up as on the label, you’re welcome). This is…extracted and used by companies in a variety of products, no doubt leading to some of the strangest urban legends among beaver kind. But surely it can’t get any worse; surely consuming beaver’s ass in a small handful of products is something we can all live with. Surely there’s nothing disgusting in the food we consider day-to-day staples like bread or your morning bagel?

Bagels

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There are few things more wholesome and pure than a loaf of freshly-baked bread. How could something produced since prehistory that has sustained the caloric needs of western society for centuries be perverted? Well history never accounted for baldly opportunistic capitalism and so we’re left with bagels that…

Actually use human hair to stay light and fluffy.

If you’ve ever made bread at home, you know how impossible it is for even a very good chef to create light and fluffy bread with every batch. This is due to the fact that baking is actually an incredibly delicate process that requires just the right amount of ingredients, heat, and time to form an intricate glutamate structure that is the basis for good bread. The density of bagels makes this an even more frustrating process.
When you’re a company that produces millions of loaves each day, this imprecision starts to become a cost concern. Which is how l-cysteine became a common ingredient in mass-produced bread. L-cysteine is a naturally-occurring amino acid that, when added to dough, makes one kick ass loaf. The problem is the most plentiful and cheap source for this protein is human hair, largely sourced from China. Don’t worry though, a substitute has been found recently, so as much as 80% of L-cysteine that you will consume doesn’t come from human hair, your bagel is now produced using 100% duck feathers.

The Bra

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Let’s start out by stating a simple, unequivocal fact: boobs are pretty much 70% of the reason that men choose to continue living. That said, the bra has a tempestuous reputation as a symbol of male dominance, forcing women to wear an uncomfortable piece of clothing simply to allow their breasts to appear more perky and desirable. If a woman chooses not to wear a bra, suddenly she’s a slovenly hippie with no sense of class. Given its history, you’d think the bra was invented by a misogynist intent on the (admittedly noble) goal of making women’s breasts appear more desirable more frequently. But…

Actually, they were originally invented by a woman to liberate women.

Various versions of the bra have, unsurprisingly, popped up all throughout history. But as the Enlightenment waned in Europe, the standard of beauty for women ended up somewhere between Christina Hendricks and…well Christina Hendricks. For most normally-proportioned women, this meant wearing a corset — an incredibly stiff and uncomfortable article of clothing designed to slim the waist, accentuate the breasts, and making normal breathing impossible. In 1910, Mary Phelps Jacob, who was a little too…well endowed to comfortably wear a corset, decided that she’d had enough of these men telling her what to wear, and fashioned what became the first modern bra. The invention took off like wildfire, not because men were particularly enamored by it, (dudes. seriously. have you seen a woman in a corset?) but because women wanted a practical piece of clothing to support their breasts. So the next time someone over an A cup tells you that bras are a symbol of male oppression, ask them how comfortable they are jogging without a sports bra. Then tell them how much you respect women’s liberation. This may or may not end up well.

Fancy Perfume

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Back in the days when bathing was infrequent and no one cared how your breath smelled, a person’s stench was largely irrelevant for the unwashed masses. But thanks to hyper-modern innovations like personal hygiene, cleanliness and a sweet-smelling odor has become a premium. Nowadays, almost everyone has a can of Axe or some similarly putrid stench ready to spray on before a date in lieu of a shower. The more refined among us (read: probably no one reading and/or writing this) purchase fancy perfumes to create an illusion of hygiene where one may or may not exist, which is funny because…

Actually, these fancy perfumes used to be made from whale vomit/shit.

For those of you who haven’t read Moby Dick, some strange things happen in the digestive tract of a whale, one of which is the production of a substance known as Ambergris. This waxy substance was, for years, used in the production of the finest perfumes on Earth. Ambergris has been largely replaced with synthetics thanks to those pesky “Not hunting a beast on the brink of extinction” regulations. Though this doesn’t negate the fact that, at some point in history, someone picked up raw ambergris—which smells like feces—and thought “I could make some amazing scents with this”.

Skin Cream

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Human skin is a treacherous thing. Especially on the face, it can curse us with acne, chronic dryness, port-wine stains or herpes. When we age, it is one of the earliest and clearest indicators that our physical faculties are declining. Fortunately, there are literally hundreds of companies out there eager to sell you creams that will marginally reduce the aged-ness of your face, salving your mortality through conspicuous consumption. It’s best that you not think too hard about it, or—in case you haven’t learned anything yet—read the ingredients label because…

Actually, a lot of them are made with the oil sheep exude from their pores.

Have you ever not showered for a couple of days? You know how your hair gets oily? Now imagine you didn’t shower for your entire life and constantly grew your hair out several feet. That oily, disgusting sensation you feel right now is caused by lanolin, better known as the crap that accumulates in unwashed hair due to excretions from the sebaceous gland. Sheep, which are bred to do little more than eat, screw, grow hair and never bathe, produce a nauseating amount of this substance. It’s conveniently harvested and resold as a basis for many cosmetic creams, as well as a water-resistant lubricant. Strangely, they are not used in any personal (read: sexual) lubricants, which likely leads to many a lonely sheepherder in Scotland.

Booze

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Where would modern society be without booze? It’s difficult to imagine a world where a man or woman can’t come home from a long day’s work and crack open a cold one to relax and unwind. Not to say that booze doesn’t have both a hilarious and tragic downside. In fact, this sinful brew has been recently correlated with increased cancer rates as well as increased calls from your friend to “drink more, you pussy”. With all the debauchery, insanity, and danger surrounding alcohol, it’s difficult to imagine that humans managed to survive this long with it being readily available. The truth is that…

Actually, it was probably a staple food akin to bread.

To clarify, we’re not talking about the 6% ABV craft brews or even watery 3.2% Natty Ice. We’re talking about the earliest fermentations of alcohol, which were likely much smaller in alcohol content. Here’s the thing, a long time ago humans figured out that they could raise grains, and chew these grains raw in order to get nutrients. The problem is, chewing them was a laborious process, so humans invented bread. Now bread, and that other thing we need to survive called water, are very easily turned putrescent by bacteria. Fermenting grain into a bready-water, introduced alcohol—perhaps the world’s first anti-bacterial. Now humans had a meal that was both filling, hydrating, and—most importantly—capable of getting them totally blitzed.

Museums are normally full of dusty old bones and the belongings of rich people that somehow managed to not get stolen. But before you plunk down twenty bucks to see the Pope’s bathrobe or Julius Caesar’s toilet brush, try some of the more strange and bizarre museums that exist. Much like the History Channel, the amount of actual history is pretty low, but its much more entertaining.

The Pez Museum

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Oh, sure, rich guys like Eugene P. Snickers and Baron Von $100,000 Bar may have gotten candies named after them, but how many candies actually have a rich enough history to support a museum? Answer: None. But it turns out, Pez has a museum anyway. Technically, it’s dedicated to the dispensers, but who cares? You’ll probably be so jacked up on sugar when you visit, you won’t even remember the tour.

The Devil’s Rope Museum

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Dedicated to all things barbed wire, the Devil’s Rope Museum is located in McLean, Texas. Situated in a remodeled brassier factory, the museum boasts 12,000 square feet of space. And don’t even think about breaking in, because even the exhibits themselves are painful to pick up. Sadly, no word yet if Pamela Anderson has gotten her own space there.

The Museum of Bad Art

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Housing “Art too bad to be ignored”, the Museum of Bad Art is located in the Boston Area. Horrible artists from around the world slave night and day to fill its walls with paintings more terrible than Vin Diesel’s acting and Mandy Moore’s singing.

The Burlesque Hall of Fame

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Initially thought to be a bust, the Burlesque Hall of Fame hasn’t yet been stripped of its assets. But seriously, it’s got tons of boobies and who doesn’t want to see that? It gives hope to those of use attempting to raise money for the “Webcam Girl Hall of Fame.”

The International UFO Museum and Research Center

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Located in Roswell, New Mexico (where else?), the museum is a magnet for abductees, conspiracy kooks and anyone else wanting to get an alien T-shirt with one of those Close Encounters guys on it.

Museum of Witchcraft

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No, this museum isn’t dedicated to your ex-wife or your former mother-in-law (well, maybe the mother-in-law), but it is dedicated to practicing witches and their history. Visit it or you’re likely to be turned into a newt.

The Circus World Museum

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Rumor has it, a group of carnies won this museum in a crooked dice game, but it’s never been confirmed. What is known is that if you love the smell of elephant feces, like to look at human deformities and aren’t afraid of clowns, this is the museum for you.

Currywurst Museum

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People in Germany love their curried sausage so much, they’ve actually opened a museum dedicated to it. Let’s face it, German cuisine has to celebrate what little good stuff it has. It was probably Sgt. Shultz’s favorite cultural center during the war.

The Parasite Museum

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Leave it to the Japanese to make everything weirder. Located in Tokyo, the Parasite Museum is dedicated to those tiny riders that invade your blood stream, intestine or whatever. Just make sure you wash anything thoroughly if you shop at the gift shop. You don’t want to take any exhibits home with you.

The Dog Collar Museum

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Located in Leeds Castle in England, the Dog Collar Museum is dedicated to all things dog collar. London has a lot of museums, the tourist spill over has to go somewhere. How bad is your vacation if you actually stop at a place that even your dog would hate?

The Mutter Museum

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If you didn’t get enough sideshow freaks at the circus museum, get yourself to Philadelphia and check out all the medical oddities at the Mutter Museum. Equally disgusting as the Parasite Museum and twice as depressing as the Orphan Museum.

The Paris Sewers Museum

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Can’t get enough of floating poo or Phantom of the Opera? Now there’s a place you can go! Actually the poo is gone and the phantom is too old to run around the sewers, but you can visit the museum. It’ll probably be a great respite from the angry French people there.

The Torture Museum

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Finally! A place Dick Cheney can visit and be part of an exhibit. Located in San Gimignano, Italy, the Torture Museum preserves the golden era of thumbscrews and sticking hot pokers up the bun. The only real torture is waiting in line to get in or having to put up with the locals endless babble about soccer. (Sorry, football.)

The Spam Museum

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Dedicated to that ham-like substance, the museum is like one giant commercial for Hormel Foods. And who wouldn’t want to be trapped in a commercial?! If you need something to do in Austin, Minnesota (and believe us, you do) stop on by. If you’re lucky, the tour guide won’t make you eat any.

The Phallus Museum

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Perhaps the museum’s Icelandic location is an indication that the people of Iceland have way too much free time. The Phallus Museum is full of dicks and we don’t mean the staff. You’ll make so many Anthony Weiner jokes by the time you get to the end of the tour, even you won’t think it’s funny anymore.

Kids are like very annoying robots: they’re cool when they are new, but quickly require more and more upgrades to stay current. Plus they poop and robots don’t even do that. Okay, maybe kids aren’t like robots, but they do learn things. Since we were all kids, we learned those things too. Here are 10 valuable lessons you learned early that still help you out to this day.

Always Pee Before You Leave

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It only takes one time of peeing your pants on a family trip to learn this lesson. The urine odor of your dad’s back seat upholstery was a constant reminder until your dad got a new car. Sure it was traumatic and is the first story you repeat to your therapist and it’s probably why you live in constant fear of public urination, but gosh darn it, you know you always make sure your bladder is empty before you start the engine of your car now.

Breakfast is the Most Important Meal of the Day

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Saturday mornings meant bowls of sugary goodness and cartoons back in the day. These days, you know it means you better eat something with your cup of coffee or your stomach will be in knots halfway through your first client meeting. Plus, there’s no better way to kill the first hour or three at the office swinging by the break room and stuffing your face with carbs. Sure beats work.

Money Doesn’t Grow on Trees

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You figured this out after none of the nickel trees you planted sprouted. Duh! Of course, you didn’t really learn the important part of this lesson until your dad cut up your credit card sophomore year in college after you charged that hot tub.

All Bullies Are Cowards at Heart

You probably discovered this one by accident. After getting cornered by the playground bully, you figured you were gonna die anyway. Might as well go out swinging. Miracles of miracles, one of your punches landed, hard. The next thing you know, that bully was crying and through all the blubbering at the principal’s office you realize he was just some fat kid with a self-esteem problem. Now if only you could apply this schoolyard cure to that overweight supervisor that makes everyone work in the office on Saturday…

Cheaters Never Win

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Once you figured out the bullies, it was easy to see that the cheaters were cheating for the same reason. Unable to beat anyone up in the playground, they instead cheated on tests, cheated on video games and just generally lied to get what they wanted. Sure, that liar got most of your Pokemon cards, but it made you wary of people later in life. Thanks to them, you didn’t let that used car salesman sell you meteor insurance.

Honesty is the Best Policy

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After watching a cheater get beat up by a bully, you figured being honest was the best way to go. It also saved you a lot of drama, especially when it came to relationships. It only took one to blow up in your face before you realized that you’d never be able to remember all your lies, even with the help of an iPad and an Excel Spreadsheet.

There Are no Stupid Questions

This was a lesson you learned after attempting to operate your mother’s blender or your dad’s power tools without reading the instructions. While you bled in the passenger seat on the way to the Emergency Room, all the great questions you could’ve asked popped into your head as you slowly lost consciousness.

Never Show Weakness in Front of Other Kids

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In the dog eat dog world of high school, only the strong survive. The quickest way to score some street cred was to immediately pick on a kid weaker than you. Although you know you could go “too weak” like to pick on the asthmatic, one-legged foreign exchange student. Just like prison, you need to verbally shank another student before he pointed out how bad your acne was.

Your Parents’ Rules End at the Edge of Their Property

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While under your parents’ roof, you lived by their rules. You knew that because they never stopped yammering about it. Fortunately, they were too tired to go anywhere but under their roof which meant the rest of the world was as lawless to you as the 10 mile limit in the ocean. As long as your parents didn’t see it, hear it or smell it on your breath later, you were as good as gold.

When You Lie to Your Parents, Have Plausible Deniability

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The final lesson every kid learns is to lie to their parents. What else are you going to do later in life? It’s the only way you’ll be able to dump them into a nursing home and take their house before they realize what’s going on, later. But if you get caught, you have to have an excuse that’s already half true. Wreck the family car? It was stolen (technically by you). Get someone pregnant? You had protection (in your glove compartment). Fail out of medical school, you’re still a doctor! (if you call chiropracticing “medicine”).

1. Denver: Marketing Blog Commenter Needed

If you enjoy reading and learning about marketing, especially Internet related marketing, this may be the internship for you. I need someone to go and read marketing and business material at a variety of blogs and news sources online, and make real (not spammy) comments (thought provoking or insightful or funny comments) on the content of each of the posts on those blogs.

The first 30-45 days of this work will be an unpaid internship. At which time, if there is a mutual fit and the work you’ve done has been done in a quality fashion, we will negotiate an hourly rate not to exceed $9/hour.

OK, people, ‘fess up. Who’s getting paid to comment on this blog? Can I pay you to write flattering ones?

2. Connecticut: Need someone to make a dump run for me?

Hello…I am moving and need some help clearing trash/junk from my basement. Its a mixture of trash bags, broken down furniture, cardboard, a couch, old headboard and just random stuff. Probably just need a full size pickup truck or small truck w/ trailer. If you are interested please email or call me asap. I would be willing to pay $50 cash to the first person available. (I will not hire anyone with intentions on dumping illegally and would prefer someone that does this regularly)

Will pay $50 more if you remove the bodies.

3. San Diego: Toisanese Speakers Needed!!

Do you speak, read & write Toisanese? Are you interested in Law Enforcement? We want you!

Compensation starts at $30.00 per hour plus benefits.

Our previous ad asked for “Chinese speakers,” but that never seemed to work out…

4. Denver: Writing about Medical Marijuana

Candidate shall have knowledge regarding the subject matter as well as excellent writing skills. Candidate should also
have knowledge about social networking sites to implement and maintain presence.

Commuting not encouraged.

5. Orange County: Full time office Girl and Spanking Star wanted

Future Spanking Star Wanted!!! Have you always wanted to be a Model and or Star in your own spanking site? This is your chance! We are looking for a “girl” between the ages of 20 and 40 to be the Star and Spokes Model for our New Spanking Site.

We feel you should be able to make from $40,000 to $50,000 the first year from both jobs. Office work and Modeling.

Just don’t come complaining that you had a “hard” night.

Happy Friday!

Despite the world’s trials and tribulations, it seems like a lot of inventors are hell-bent on creating products which are nothing more than a worthless gimmick. This is because people would rather try and buy their way to health and happiness than work toward it. Money-hungry inventors and investors are all too eager to give the lazy and stupid what they want: useless crap which promises to improve the quality of life while really serving no more purpose than a dust-gathering end table in an unused room. Here are 15 of the most worthless inventions to ever separate a fool and his (or her) money.

The Dumbell Cane

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Like olde tyme fitness in an olde tyme way? Then you need the Dumbell Cane from the early 1900′s! Invented by what we assume was an olde tyme scientist, the Dumbell Cane was essentially a very heavy cane with a nickel top. This was more likely used to club unruly man servants and those jerks on the Hi-Wheel bicycles.

Get a Grip Wine Glass Grip

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Have you ever said to yourself, “Gosh, I’m too stupid to properly hold a wine glass!”? Do you wonder how you might make it abundantly clear that you are a clod in front of a group of sophisticated wine drinkers? Look no further! The “Get a Grip” wine glass grip puts a bright red grip on your wine glass that says to the world, “I am probably a toddler, and you should call child services right now.”

Prosthetic Dog Balls

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Do you feel bad about what you did to Rover? No, not the peanut butter thing, the other thing when you took him to the vet and got his nuts removed? What is your best friend going to lick for the rest of his life? The answer is Neuticles! Neuticles allows your dog’s junk to return to its former glory. Now he’ll have something to do while you visit your therapist.

Cleavage Coverage

Let’s face it: boobies are distracting. You don’t want to be doing a kidney operation when the nurse leans over to help and gives you a clear view of her meat jugs. Fortunately, there’s Camiband! Now when that hot chick goes to work, she can wear this and pretend people take her seriously.

The Flatulence Deodorizer

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After years of failure with corks, the inventor of this gadget decided to go in a different direction. Why not stop butt gas near its source? The Flatulence Deodorizer is kind of nice way of saying “Fart Tampon”. But unless your gas is SBD, the noise is probably still going to give you away.

Cat Wigs

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Finally, something for bald cats! Cat Wigs come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It’s the perfect gift for your crazy cat lady that isn’t quite crazy enough. It’s probably the same kind of people that tried to order Kitten Mittens. It is highly doubtful that a cat would ever tell its owner about a desire to own a wig and mittens, and much more likely that weird single women across America are struggling to force these stupid inventions on their poor, squirming cats who want nothing more than to be left alone to their windowsills and strings.

The Dog Sack

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Like your dog enough to take him on a drive, but not enough to let him in the car? The 1950′s had the answer… Kind of. It’s a Dog…Sack…thing. Just fasten old Rover in this bag and I’m sure he’ll remain perfectly still while you barrel through traffic at 60 mph. It’s a good thing pets were disposable in those days.

Phone Fingers

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It’s not really clear what demographic of people would be interested in this product, but for those have a weird rubber fetish and/or love the tiny finger condoms used at the dentist, Phone Fingers is the way to go. Why look like an idiot pounding the touch screen while wearing gloves, when you can look like a douche from the not-too-distant future? It’s truly a product that says to the world, “I’ll buy anything that’s in a Sky Mall catalogue.”

Subway Chinrest

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No, this isn’t a device for Jared, the fast food spokesman if he gained back all his weight, it’s actually a device for people to lean their chins on in the subway. It was marketed in Japan, the only country where this might not look completely insane. But finally, Bill O’Reilly has something to hold up his giant forehead if he gets too tired.

The Pizza Fork

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Sadly, this is not a fork made out of pizza, which would at least be delicious. It is instead a fork with a pizza cutter on the handle. It’s sort of like a lame Swiss Army Knife for people too lazy to wash utensils AND cook.

The Plow Gun

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We don’t know what kind of farm the inventor was running to build this, but it must’ve been pretty bad. When you have to take your turnips hostage or shoot your mule in a hurry, this invention from 1826 is for you. Either way, you’re not getting on a plane with this baby.

Fork Alarm

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And you thought the Pizza Fork was going to be the dumbest fork on the list. This invention has a timer that allows the user to know when its time to take another bite. Still, you have to understand that it was patented in 1995, a crazy era for forks and timed eating. Seinfeld was still on the air and if you could be “Master of Your Domain” you at least had to be master of your fork.

Helicopter Ejection Seat

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No one wants to go down with the chopper, but is it better to get ripped to shreds instead? The Helicopter Ejection Seat probably had good intentions, but the guys that invented it just didn’t think it through. Maybe a Helicopter trap door would work better.

The Prostate Gland Warmer

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Patented in 1918, the prostate gland warmer was suppose to stimulate a man’s “abdominal brain”. Instead it ended up more like an alien probe sans the alien. From the looks of that invention, it may have been adapted for the ladies later on.

The Useless Box

Even more useless than a computer floppy drive or Ryan Seacrest, the Useless Box performs as advertised. It’s a robot whose only function is to turn itself off. Now if only they could somehow adapt it so it would work on Joe Biden’s mouth.