Oh baby, baby… it is a very wild world.  More wild, in fact, than it was when Cat Stevens first sang about it in 1970.  One way in which this wildness is manifested is the increased use of drugs and prevalence of substance addiction, an issue brought to light by shows like “Intervention” and people like Nicole Richie.  It’s enough to make one long for simpler times when men wore hats, ladies blushed, and people didn’t need such elaborate chemical compounds to have fun on a Friday night.

But if we look a little closer, the days of yore might not be quite so innocent as they seem.  Maybe raves weren’t as popular back then as they are today, but people were popping, drinking, smoking and snorting many of the same delightful substances that fill Lindsay Lohan’s purse today!  Stranger still… these substances used to be legal, making our so-called modern age look like a prudish and puritanical version of the past.  How did our Great Great Grandmothers and Grandfathers get away with it?  Often the answer was as simple as marketing: call the drugs medicine.

Meth

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Meth, according to almost anyone you ask, is a dangerous drug.  In addition to increasing energy and giving you an emotional jolt before you head to an all night orgy set to songs by Robyn, it is devastatingly addictive and is known to lead to bad choices in haircut, tooth loss, and psychosis.  Messing with Meth is simply not the same as smoking a doobie behind the Junior High — and almost 100% of addicts say they were tragically hooked the very first time they tried it.

All the same, there was a time when this toxin was not only legal but was available at your local Duane Reade… or whatever pharmacy people were going to in the nineteenth century.  Norodin (a brand name for Meth) was prescribed for people with light depression… presumably to turn it into heavy depression once a full blown chemical addiction kicked in.  Still, it was said that Norodin was just the thing for dispelling “the shadows of mild mental depression.” One in five doctors recommend Meth?  Now there’s a reason to get happy!

Marijuana

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Our country stands at a crossroads regarding Marijuana.  Considering that its psychoactive effects are less significant than a bottle of over-the-counter Robitussin it is amazing to see how this handsome little plant has played such a great roll in politics, policy, philosophy, and religion in the U.S. and beyond.  In California you can get some premium sticky bud if you have a tummy ache and a doctor’s note.  In most other states, however, you have to go through the hassle of texting a code word to some jerk on a bicycle introduced to you by your nephew… all to get a buzz on.

But once upon a time (up until the early 1900’s) use of Marijuana in the United States was completely unrestricted.  It was grown for use in textiles and paper by farmers across the land and no doubt puffed on by 19th century farm boys who could only dream of a day when such an experience would be enhanced by the advent of Pink Floyd and Liberal Arts educations.

Heroin

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Do you remember what your mother did for you when you were sick with sniffles as a child?  Most likely her solution to this problem involved some combination of chicken noodle soup, a VHS of your favorite Disney movie, and Heroin … right?

Probably not, but once upon a time Heroin, which was developed in 1874 as a substitute for Morphine, was used as a cough suppressant.  Watching any “Intervention” episode focused on Heroin addiction will make you wonder why anyone would ever choose that over a cough, no matter how hacking and wet.

Still, it took over 30 years for people to realize that the cough was worth it and by the time they did it was apparently too late… the drug remains a ghoulish figure on the scene of American addiction to this very day and the common cold has yet to be cured.

MDMA

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We don’t have to suffer through a trip to Grandma’s house to hear about the glory days of legal Ecstasy use.  Chances are that mom and dad enjoyed its free reign seeing as it was legal just a few short decades ago.  Developed in 1912, MDMA achieved popularity in the seventies when a Berkeley professor noted its remarkable abilities in combating a wide array of psychiatric conditions such as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression.

But when it was discovered that the substance was also good for a great night out dancing to horrible club-beats and caressing friends’ faces, an emergency ban was thrown on it.  Modern-day ravers and druggies still enjoy this recreational substance all over the world, but unfortunately, because of the ban, the people who could actually derive real benefit from it are still deprived.

Roofies

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GHB, also known as the date-rape drug and “Roofies” are one of the most feared drugs today.  Any club-goer with savvy knows to keep an eye on his or her drink from the first pour to the last sip as its not uncommon for club creepers and date rapists to slip this small but dangerous drug into a drink and take advantage of the weakened victim. The drug is odorless and tasteless, making it even easier for predators to slip it into a drink as the victim turns around for even just a second.

Shockingly, this drug was not made a federally controlled substance until the late, great year of 2000 even though it was developed all the way back in the wild 1960s.  Its depressive and palliative effects were used medically for anesthetic purposes and the drug was often given to women in childbirth to alleviate some of their pain.

Interestingly enough, however, the drug has very recently come back into medical use as a treatment for narcolepsy.  Strange, as it seems to have a knocking-out effect.

LSD

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LSD or acid is a powerful hallucinogenic known for causing users to “trip balls”, see God or Buddha, and occasionally jump off buildings with the conviction that they can fly.  In vogue mostly among the country’s dreadlocked war protestors, LSD was developed by accident in 1943.  Its unique effects were seized upon by the U.S. government itself, which tested the drug as a means of mind control and truth extraction.

As anyone who has ever been around a person on LSD surely knows, not much truth is coming out of their lips unless it’s regarding the hidden nature of the cosmos or how strange hands are when you really look at them.  In 1970, after a decade of abuse by the Haight-Ashbury crowd, the government finally put the kibosh on the substance.

Cocaine

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Cocaine is a huge part of American culture.  Illicit and illegal, yes, but where would the nation’s models, singers, heiresses and college students be without it?  A quick snort of “nose candy” and you are guaranteed heightened energy and nearly fifteen minutes of tenuous and fleeting self-confidence.

But believe it or not… Kate Moss and Charlie Sheen are not the most notable people to have taken a ride on the cocaine train.  Tons of famous figures from history loved the stuff, including one Sigmund Freud who used it as a therapeutic tool.

Also, ever wonder why your favorite soft drink has the same name as your favorite drug?  Well, Coca-Cola used to list Cocaine as an ingredient.  Modern Cocaine came about in the 1860s and enjoyed legality until 1914 when everyone stopped doing it and it was never seen again… of course.

Opium

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In the mid-nineteenth century Opium use was brought to the West by the influx of Chinese laborers.  There the drug had been used for centuries and it really made a splash in Europe and the United States as Opium dens sprung up like so many Starbucks locations.

Derived from the Poppy seed, smoking Opium produces euphoria, relaxation, and a delightful fogginess of mind.  It was also given to women to fight menstrual cramps and, goodness gracious, given to crying babies to… you know… shut them up.  It really was a great Mother’s Little Helper.

Peyote

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Mescaline, also known as Peyote, is an American grown hallucinogen famous for its historic use in Native American religious ceremonies.  Despite being made illegal in some states during the 20s and 30s, Peyote was legally enjoyed by most states throughout the 60s… when it really counted.  Hippies tired of their boring white bread, Christian upbringings turned to the writings of Don Juan and other Native American spiritual guides before taking Peyote to engender their own Spirit Quests.  These people now hold down respectable jobs where they play Minesweeper at their cubicle desks, but no doubt they still think fondly of their desert wandering and spiritual Peyote visions.

In 1970 the drug was outlawed but many Native American places of worship are allowed exemption from this ban.  This was a nice gesture of the U.S. government, all things considered.  But today’s college students get no such break.

Mushrooms

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Despite having been used for thousands of years, people were debating the existence of Hallucinogenic mushrooms up until the early 1900s.  Commonly thought of as a natural LSD,Mushrooms produce profound visual and audio hallucinations wherein the true nature of the human experience is dubiously bestowed on the drug-taker for the duration of about eight hours.

In the 60’s the drug was made famous by writer and philosopher Timothy Leary who espoused its use as a tool for spiritual and psychological development and mushrooms quickly became a huge part of American hippie subculture.  But towards the end of the 60s, as America’s other favorite pastimes became illegal one by one, mushrooms bit the dust as well with a federal ban.

If you are scared by the booming industry of doctors and hospitals and fake flu shots — you should be. Every generation opts to undergo ‘cures’ which are not really cures at all, but ridiculous charades with no medical effects whatsoever (except for negative ones). Doctors think they know everything just because they went to medical school, but there’s a whole other world of alternate medicine out there that they don’t want you to know about, just because it’s probably insanely dangerous.  Don’t let Big Pharma scare you!  You can be scared by these crazy cures instead.

Dead Scorpions on the Face

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Don’t let some “doctor” say that you need “prescribed medicine” just because he has some fancy degree.  In China, you can have scorpion carcasses applied directly to your face.  That’s way more badass than some doctor injecting you with a mystery serum.

Bee Stings

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Ever get stung by a bee?  Turns out, that bee may have been trying to cure your aching bones or MS.  So if you’re laid up with a complicated medical issue, you really have nothing to lose by punching the nearest beehive.  At least the beehive will be down and you’ll probably have a nice handful of honey to go along with your agonizing, painful, curative stings.

Mummy Powder

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In the 12th Century, being a “doctor” meant doing things like prescribing mummy powder for wounds and bruises.  This usually happened after some meddling kids and a dog foiled the mummy’s plan and captured him.  Sadly, science has yet to find a cure made from phantoms or swamp monsters.

Tobacco Smoke Enema

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There was an actual time when a doctor would blow smoke up your ass and you’d pay him for the privilege.  Learned from the Native Americans (who obviously took a prank on their European friends way too far), the smoke is believed to help you poop or at the very least, make your poop smell like a carton of Marlboros.

Mercury

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In the 2nd Century, the Chinese began to “cure” Syphilis with mercury, which just goes to show you how desperate people get with their junk is on the line.  This treatment lasted all the way to the 20th century, when insurance companies realized that mercury was too expensive and rare to give to their customers.

Electricity

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When your genitals aren’t functioning, guys will pretty much try anything.  In the 18th and 19th centuries, the thing to try was electricity on the ol’ wiener.  Shockingly, this Johnson abuse didn’t work and sadly, there was no YouTube then so we could mock the idiots who tried it.

Terrapin Touch

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Once again, the Chinese have crazy remedies, including applying a terrapin to your face.  Sadly, your local CVS does not have terrapins in stock and they are a special order.

Malaria

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Maybe it’s the idea of “fighting fire with fire”, but using malaria to fight syphilis sounds like burning down your house just to kill the roaches.  This cure actually works, though it is exceedingly dangerous.  Maybe it would be better just to lay off the hookers and use a condom.

Hot Irons for Hemorrhoids

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Keep in mind, medieval doctors lived in the era when there was a lot of torture  (no doubt we’ll be seeing some waterboard cures soon).  The Middle Ages monks believed that by using hot irons, you could remove your hemorrhoids and probably scream a whole lot.

Heroin for Kids!

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Heroin was widely touted as a miracle drug.  Then again, what else do you expect to hear from people who are probably already addicted to heroin?  Heroin was put into cough syrup, which was no doubt given to kids.  The kids didn’t like the medicine at first, but then they couldn’t get enough!

Urine Therapy

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Roman and Indian cultures gave us urine therapy.  But then again, they also gave us vomitoriums and insanely hot restaurant buffets.  When ‘urine’ trouble, rubbing pee in during a massage or drinking it was said to cure a variety of ailments and make you smell like that guy that begs for change on the subway platform.

Bloodletting

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We’re not sure who was the first medieval jackhole to say, “Hey, as long as you’re sick, let’s bleed you.”  For some reason, people thought this was a good idea.  It would be hundreds of years later before it became cool with your Goth nephew that works at Hot Topic.

Penis Exerciser

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Get your mind out of the gutter!  This is a serious instrument of body change!  You can’t rely on those Korean girls to do it every time you go to the massage parlor. Besides, that costs extra.

Trepanation

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Did you ever hear that expression, “I need that like I need a hole in the head”?  Well, some people take that expression in a different way.  They believe that by drilling holes into their skulls they can relieve pressure, and they usually do…When their brains come pouring out.

Honey Mummies

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Hands down, the most insane cure of all time was developed in Arabia around the 16th century.  It involved men who would literally eat themselves to death by consuming only honey.  Then, once they died, their bodies were sealed in honey for many years.  Their tasty bodies would then be used to treat wounds.  Sure, it sounds extreme, but it’s still the only thing that’s 100% covered on Arabian HMO’s.

Here’s a look at 5 fabulous examples that recently sold to some very lucky buyers, according to Carlton Hobbs:

A set of four 18th-century Chinese Porcelain Vases were sold in Christie’s International’s “Exceptional” sale on July 7, 2011. The 4 foot-tall vases, painted with Buddhist and Taoist designs, were sold to Steve Wynn of Wynn Resorts for $12.8 million, and are intended to adorn the Cotai Resort Hotel, his new resort in Macau, China.

Deal: The 1740 Qing vase, found during a house clearance

On November 11, 2010 a Quianlong-period vase, circa 1740, sold at Bainbridges in London. The smaller auction room reached a sky-high hammer price of £43 million– over 40 times its estimate. The vase, standing just 16-inches tall, was discovered during the clean-out of a north London attic and, according to family lore, had been stolen from an imperial palace in the 19th century.

This celadon-glazed carved baluster vase (1736-1795) with a Qianlong seal mark sold for $7.9m

Asian buyers were present in full force at Christie’s sale of Magnificent Qing Monochrome Porcelains and Earlier Works of Art from the Gordon Collection on March 24, 2011. A celadon-glazed carved baluster vase stole the show when a private Asian buyer bought it for $7.9 million. Qianlong-period porcelain is in high demand among Chinese collectors and this imperial ware is a prized example.

In November 2010 the Asian Art in London event saw the selling power of imperial Chinese porcelain. A vase made in the imperial palace, Beijing, during the reign of the Emperor Yongzheng sold for around the asking price of $25 million by London-based dealer Eskenazi Ltd. Western collectors are being pushed aside as Asian connoisseurs compete for these “trophy objects from their heritage.”

Estimated at 10-15 thousand dollars, a blue and white porcelain Meiping vase with Qianlong Mark sold for $7.7 million– 600 times its estimate! The vase, sold by Bonhams in San Francisco on December 13, 2010, was conservatively dated circa 1905, however bidders determined it was made in the 18th century (circa 1760)–with a hammer price to prove it. It was purchased by mainland Chinese collectors, again demonstrating the high demand for imperial porcelain.

It’s tempting to assume that in the back of every Wal-Mart (and some of the seedier Targets) there’s a machine that combines obscure, sterile chemicals and a dash of cancer into everything the modern human needs. Looking at the ingredient list of just about any processed food certainly gives that impression. The truth is some really weird things ended up in your daily life for some incredibly bizarre reasons.

Denim

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In the short list of things indelibly American, a pair of denim jeans ranks right up there with Grandma’s Apple pie and starting wars in countries with unpronounceable names. Is there anything more iconic in American culture than the denim-clad cowboy slowly smoking a Marlboro while contemplating what a rogue he is and how he just needs a woman to change him? Well the ugly truth is…

Actually, they’re from France.

Denim is actually a bastardization of De Nimes, meaning essentially “This is from that country that symbolizes everything real Americans hate“. Though it might seem like it, denim jeans aren’t made of any special quasi-kevlar material, they’re just a specific cotton weave that was developed by some industrious Frenchmen in the 18th century. Though they were invented elsewhere, Americans can take comfort in the fact that, like the automobile, we were the ones who made them cool.

Red Bull

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Commonly known as the pick me up second only to coffee and that thing you get wasted on second to alcohol, Red Bull has quickly become a staple among bar-goers and exhausted college students world-wide. The drink was originally discovered when an Austrian entrepreneur noticed that a drink called Krating Daeng helped cure his jetlag while visiting Thailand. It was quickly integrated into his beverage company’s line and the rest is history. Which is funny because…

Actually, the energy kick comes from cow bile.

If you pick up the can of Red Bull that you, internet user, most likely have lying around somewhere, you’ll notice that one of the ingredients is something called “Taurine”. This very appropriately named compound is derived from the bile of cows, and, like caffeine, is a naturally-occurring stimulant in mammals. If this fact grosses you out, take comfort in the fact that nowadays taurine shows up in just about every energy drink on the market.

Salad Dressing

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What is a salad if not an excuse to consume copious amounts of mayonnaise disguised as “dressing”? Everything looks healthier when it’s slathered on some iceberg lettuce, and a straight helping of pure animal fats and vegetable oil is no different. Well it’s a good thing that dressing doesn’t get more disgusting than that because then we would never go anywhere near leafy greens. Oh wait except it totally gets more disgusting than that because…

Actually, it’s made from putrid, decaying slime.

Imagine you left a pile of vegetables to rot in the hot, humid sun for a couple of days. Can you picture the thin layer of slime that’s formed like a perverse glaze as they degrade? That’s Xantham Gum, also known by the completely inedible description of “bacterial coat”. Apart from showing up in practically everything, it’s a common ingredient in salad dressing. Its unique chemical properties make it a perfect additive to anything that needs to be thick, creamy and oily. Don’t hurt yourself thinking about jokes related to that sentence.

Cheese

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Throughout all of history, one thing has been certain: life is undoubtedly improved by a double bacon cheeseburger. There are few ingredients in the culinary repertoire that can increase the calorie count deliciousness of a meal quite like a good slice of cheese. Light and sharp or heavy and smelling like armpits, nothing bitch slaps the palate like a good piece of cheese. Which is an appropriately metal description since cheese is…

Actually made from ground up stomach of the animal they took the milk from.

As a milk derivative, cheese is beholden to the speed of chemical reactions. And in the world of chemical reactions, enzymes are the angry drug dealers that break down your door, sleep with you wife, and make a mess of your pots and pans. Specifically, an enzyme known as Rennet is used to turn thin, watery milk into the badass tongue-curb-stomping-cheese that it was always meant to be. Rennet occurs naturally in the stomachs of cows and other mammals, so, according to the brutalistic rules of cheese crafting, their stomachs are ground up and mixed with milk to produce a variety of cheeses. There are a handful of cheeses produced with artificial substitutes of rennet, but connoisseurs conclude that such cheeses are usually sub-par in taste and “kind of pussy, come on guys”.

Kotex

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Kotex is well-known today as a popular line of feminine products including pads, tampons, and other euphemistically titled “Period Protection” devices. Kotex was actually one of the first widely advertised and distributed pads in history, back when they were made with wood pulp. After a pause to allow all the women reading this to shudder, we can continue with their even more cringe-inducing origin.

Actually, they were originally used to treat horrible, disfiguring wounds in WWI

Before World War I, Kotex had nothing to do with women’s hygiene. All they did was make bandages. With the war ending and the 17-35 with-gaping-wounds demographic began to dry up, Kotex began to look elsewhere to sell their absorbent bandages. The truly disturbing part about all of this isn’t that MaxiPads were once used as actual bandages, but that someone saw a gushing, bloody stump on the battlefield and thought to himself “Now what does that remind me of…”

Twinkies

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You read Twinkies up there and are now silently praying that these delicious golden treats aren’t ruined for the rest of your life. Well the dastardly truth is that Twinkies don’t actually contain any dairy products. Isn’t it weird that one of the items most closely associated with the phrase “cream filling” in American culture doesn’t have a drop of milk? Just kidding.

Actually, they’ve got a heaping helping of Beef Fat.

The problem with the American palate is that we want it all. Every dish needs a heaping helping of the essential vitamins and minerals that matter: fat, salt, and sugar. It’s hard to blame Hostess for this decision, after all it’s that hint of savoriness, or umami that makes Twinkies the object of nearly every post-apocalyptic toil.

Graham Crackers

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Some remember Graham Crackers as the heavenly container of s’mores, some remember them as a crappy excuse for a cookie in kindergarten. Graham Crackers have a long and storied history, and date back to the invention of another staple: Kellog’s famous corn flakes. That’s because Kellogg and Graham were contemporaries who both subscribed to the idea that bland foods were inherently healthy. And not just that…

Actually, they were designed to limit the eater’s sex drive.

Dr. Graham was an adamant activist against masturbation, and believed that lustful urges were at the base of most health problems. Graham crackers were supposed to be so bland that they would bland-up the whole of the consumer’s personality, including sex drive. The modern version of the cracker is made with bleached, refined flour and heaping helpings of sugar and cinnamon—all things Graham would have detested for their tendency to make couples want to have sex outside of a hole in the sheet. Knowing that these crackers were intentionally designed to hold back sexual urges puts a new spin on the fact that they’re commonly given to young children.

Jelly Beans

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Contrary to the presumably sex-killing properties of Graham crackers, urban legend fanatics have been scarfing down green jelly beans for decades. For whatever reason, it is believed that the color green is an aphrodisiac, a belief stretching back hundreds of years. Which is funny because you probably won’t be so aroused when you find out they’re…

Actually made from crushed Lac Bugs.

Oh come on, you knew the “crushed up bugs” entry was coming sooner or later, and the bug juice at camp was a low-hanging fruit. The shellac is what gives jelly beans that shiny, crispy outer shell. Well that and enough pure, caramelized sugar to induce diabetic coma. Shellac is also a main ingredient in several varnishes, and pretty much anything that has a smooth, shiny coat to it. Shellac was used for paints and varnishes long before it ever ended up in candy, so one has to wonder who it was that said “Let’s crush some paint chips and throw them into children’s candy”.

IEDs

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The infamous IED has become the notorious tool of insurgents, terrorists and other nice folk you see in church on Sunday. Many are composed of Urea Nitrate, which is almost as destructive as the more commonly employed Ammonium Nitrate, but much easier to obtain the ingredients for. You would think that there would be wide-spread efforts to limit the constituent ingredients in Urea Nitrate, except…

Actually, it’s made from piss.

Urea is a chemical that occurs naturally in human urine. Combine distilled urea with a powerful fertilizer (the nitrate in the name) and you get a hefty explosive that’s nearly impossible to prevent people from producing. Take comfort though; this disgusting, explosive additive is only an ingredient in…well pretty much everything.

Vanilla & Raspberry Flavoring

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When someone says vanilla or raspberry flavoring, you’re probably thinking of some incredibly artificial compound that emulates the taste of raspberry and vanilla without actually going anywhere near a vanilla bean or a raspberry. For most ingredients that fall under that dubious “artificial flavors” at the end of the Nutrition Facts, you’d be right. But sometimes the flavor comes from what can charitably be termed “natural ingredients” because, you see, your next bottle of raspberry-flavored juice…

Actually is flavored with beaver ass.

Specifically, a pair of glands in a beaver’s anus produce a scent known as castoreum (which is what it will show up as on the label, you’re welcome). This is…extracted and used by companies in a variety of products, no doubt leading to some of the strangest urban legends among beaver kind. But surely it can’t get any worse; surely consuming beaver’s ass in a small handful of products is something we can all live with. Surely there’s nothing disgusting in the food we consider day-to-day staples like bread or your morning bagel?

Bagels

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There are few things more wholesome and pure than a loaf of freshly-baked bread. How could something produced since prehistory that has sustained the caloric needs of western society for centuries be perverted? Well history never accounted for baldly opportunistic capitalism and so we’re left with bagels that…

Actually use human hair to stay light and fluffy.

If you’ve ever made bread at home, you know how impossible it is for even a very good chef to create light and fluffy bread with every batch. This is due to the fact that baking is actually an incredibly delicate process that requires just the right amount of ingredients, heat, and time to form an intricate glutamate structure that is the basis for good bread. The density of bagels makes this an even more frustrating process.
When you’re a company that produces millions of loaves each day, this imprecision starts to become a cost concern. Which is how l-cysteine became a common ingredient in mass-produced bread. L-cysteine is a naturally-occurring amino acid that, when added to dough, makes one kick ass loaf. The problem is the most plentiful and cheap source for this protein is human hair, largely sourced from China. Don’t worry though, a substitute has been found recently, so as much as 80% of L-cysteine that you will consume doesn’t come from human hair, your bagel is now produced using 100% duck feathers.

The Bra

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Let’s start out by stating a simple, unequivocal fact: boobs are pretty much 70% of the reason that men choose to continue living. That said, the bra has a tempestuous reputation as a symbol of male dominance, forcing women to wear an uncomfortable piece of clothing simply to allow their breasts to appear more perky and desirable. If a woman chooses not to wear a bra, suddenly she’s a slovenly hippie with no sense of class. Given its history, you’d think the bra was invented by a misogynist intent on the (admittedly noble) goal of making women’s breasts appear more desirable more frequently. But…

Actually, they were originally invented by a woman to liberate women.

Various versions of the bra have, unsurprisingly, popped up all throughout history. But as the Enlightenment waned in Europe, the standard of beauty for women ended up somewhere between Christina Hendricks and…well Christina Hendricks. For most normally-proportioned women, this meant wearing a corset — an incredibly stiff and uncomfortable article of clothing designed to slim the waist, accentuate the breasts, and making normal breathing impossible. In 1910, Mary Phelps Jacob, who was a little too…well endowed to comfortably wear a corset, decided that she’d had enough of these men telling her what to wear, and fashioned what became the first modern bra. The invention took off like wildfire, not because men were particularly enamored by it, (dudes. seriously. have you seen a woman in a corset?) but because women wanted a practical piece of clothing to support their breasts. So the next time someone over an A cup tells you that bras are a symbol of male oppression, ask them how comfortable they are jogging without a sports bra. Then tell them how much you respect women’s liberation. This may or may not end up well.

Fancy Perfume

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Back in the days when bathing was infrequent and no one cared how your breath smelled, a person’s stench was largely irrelevant for the unwashed masses. But thanks to hyper-modern innovations like personal hygiene, cleanliness and a sweet-smelling odor has become a premium. Nowadays, almost everyone has a can of Axe or some similarly putrid stench ready to spray on before a date in lieu of a shower. The more refined among us (read: probably no one reading and/or writing this) purchase fancy perfumes to create an illusion of hygiene where one may or may not exist, which is funny because…

Actually, these fancy perfumes used to be made from whale vomit/shit.

For those of you who haven’t read Moby Dick, some strange things happen in the digestive tract of a whale, one of which is the production of a substance known as Ambergris. This waxy substance was, for years, used in the production of the finest perfumes on Earth. Ambergris has been largely replaced with synthetics thanks to those pesky “Not hunting a beast on the brink of extinction” regulations. Though this doesn’t negate the fact that, at some point in history, someone picked up raw ambergris—which smells like feces—and thought “I could make some amazing scents with this”.

Skin Cream

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Human skin is a treacherous thing. Especially on the face, it can curse us with acne, chronic dryness, port-wine stains or herpes. When we age, it is one of the earliest and clearest indicators that our physical faculties are declining. Fortunately, there are literally hundreds of companies out there eager to sell you creams that will marginally reduce the aged-ness of your face, salving your mortality through conspicuous consumption. It’s best that you not think too hard about it, or—in case you haven’t learned anything yet—read the ingredients label because…

Actually, a lot of them are made with the oil sheep exude from their pores.

Have you ever not showered for a couple of days? You know how your hair gets oily? Now imagine you didn’t shower for your entire life and constantly grew your hair out several feet. That oily, disgusting sensation you feel right now is caused by lanolin, better known as the crap that accumulates in unwashed hair due to excretions from the sebaceous gland. Sheep, which are bred to do little more than eat, screw, grow hair and never bathe, produce a nauseating amount of this substance. It’s conveniently harvested and resold as a basis for many cosmetic creams, as well as a water-resistant lubricant. Strangely, they are not used in any personal (read: sexual) lubricants, which likely leads to many a lonely sheepherder in Scotland.

Booze

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Where would modern society be without booze? It’s difficult to imagine a world where a man or woman can’t come home from a long day’s work and crack open a cold one to relax and unwind. Not to say that booze doesn’t have both a hilarious and tragic downside. In fact, this sinful brew has been recently correlated with increased cancer rates as well as increased calls from your friend to “drink more, you pussy”. With all the debauchery, insanity, and danger surrounding alcohol, it’s difficult to imagine that humans managed to survive this long with it being readily available. The truth is that…

Actually, it was probably a staple food akin to bread.

To clarify, we’re not talking about the 6% ABV craft brews or even watery 3.2% Natty Ice. We’re talking about the earliest fermentations of alcohol, which were likely much smaller in alcohol content. Here’s the thing, a long time ago humans figured out that they could raise grains, and chew these grains raw in order to get nutrients. The problem is, chewing them was a laborious process, so humans invented bread. Now bread, and that other thing we need to survive called water, are very easily turned putrescent by bacteria. Fermenting grain into a bready-water, introduced alcohol—perhaps the world’s first anti-bacterial. Now humans had a meal that was both filling, hydrating, and—most importantly—capable of getting them totally blitzed.

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TechCrunch reports on this post-revolutionary phenomenon:

Translation (from the original Arabic article):

While the baby girl could just have easily been called “YouTube,” “Twitter” “Google” or even “Cellphone Camera,” it seems like Facebook has become the umbrella symbol for how social media can spread the message of freedom. There are countless manefestation of this, the above graffiti in Cairo, “Thank you Facebook” protest sign, and Wael Ghonim himself personally expressing his gratitude to Mark Zuckerberg on CNN.

Still think social media has nothing to do with revolutions, Malcolm Gladwell?

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