This week’s job ad freakshow includes monsters, party princesses, mob-resistant bankers, and dog bathers. Can you imagine what things would look like if they all got together at the same Happy Hour?
1. Georgia: Need Girl to Please Teach Me to Kiss
I’m a 20 year old GA Tech student who has never kissed. I have been going out with a girl online for the last 5 years and she’s finally coming down to see me on the 11th. She tells me it’s a big turn-off if a guy doesn’t know how to kiss, and she even dumped her last boyfriend because of this. I want to make a good first impression, but I’ve never kissed before! Please, I need a girl to practice kissing with, nothing else!! Just kissing lesson – nothing more nothing less!
Some have asked if I have terrible oral hygiene or something of that sort, so I included a picture of me showing my teeth! I’m pretty normal overall. Will send more pics on request.
I pay by the second…
2. Encino, CA: Assistant Branch Manager, IndyMac Bank
As the largest Savings & Loan in Los Angeles County, IndyMac Bank (based in Pasadena) is looking for banking professionals who want to develop and run their own branches. We are in the process of expanding our branch network in Southern California and are looking for a motivated Assistant Branch Manager. If you have an entrepreneurial spirit and the drive to build a business, consider making IndyMac Bank your home.
You may also have to deal with angry mobs and the LAPD. We will equip you with gunny sacks filled with pennies to fend of hostility.
3. Italy: Invitation for visa needed
I will pay good money to anybody that will write a letter of invitation so my aunt can get a schengen visa to go on vacation for 12 days.
Please reply to ****@gmail.com.
Compensation: $1000 US
What is a schengen visa? And how do I invite this person’s aunt over there, in exchange for the handsome compensation listed?
4. Emeryville, CA: Hound Bather Needed
Our company is looking for a dog bather. Our bather will be responsible for bathing, brushing, manicures/pedicures and other bathing requests as needed for our dog clientelle. This is a full time shift (about 30 – 35 hours a week) Monday – Friday. We offer health care benefits, retirement plans and paid vacation as well as free dog services for your pooch (daycare, boarding, spa).
• Responsible and reliable
• Be detail oriented and a hard worker
• Have a flexible work schedule (able to work some holidays)
• Physically able to handle large, active dogs
Clientel include small, fluffy, irritable Shi-Tzus and Great Danes that hate manicures.
5. San Francisco: Paid SF Focus Group on Lawsuit — $50 + parking
We are looking for individuals to participate in a focus group about a lawsuit. Participants will be paid $50.00 for 3 hours, plus parking in our garage. You will listen to a presentation by both sides, discuss the case and vote on the issues. You will then provide some feedback on your feelings about the case.
If interested please contact us by the above e-mail.
Our jury outsourcing firm ensures your court case the best impartial deliberation the industry has to offer. Results not guaranteed.
6. Nationwide: Monsters Needed
We’re holding our first annual Halloween Haunt Job Fair in search of the scariest monsters ever! If you love to scare people…we want you!
We are now accepting applications for monsters and other talent, as well as behind-the-scenes positions including scenic and costume builders and technicians, non-scare positions available as well. This job is perfect for those with a 9-5 job, as it runs evenings on Friday Saturday and Sundays in October.
Are you ready to make our guests scream? Fill out an online application.
The next time the guy in the cube next to you puts in fangs and grimaces into a pocket mirror, don’t be alarmed—he just wants to get good at being a monster.
7. Washington State: Become a Children’s Party Princess
Dynamic company looking for amazing performers ready for fun and rewarding work on a flexible schedule. You bring an energetic spirit and experience with kids, visual arts, drama/dance, or other related field and we’ll supply the costumes, party supplies, and paid training. Our parties showcase our performers’ talents in Magic Shows, Face Painting, Balloon Twisting and much more. Reliable transportation and weekend availability is a must.
As long as there’s no white face paint and Afro wig involved, the gig sounds pretty fun.
8. Miami Beach: House Lady
Businessman/Entrepreneur in Miami Beach seeks House Lady,etc. approximately 3 days a week
Must have Very Nice APPEARANCE.
Ability to Speak English and Spanish a Plus.
Salary $1000/for approximately 3 days a week(flexible)
Is “House Lady, etc.” similar to the naked housekeeper guy?