This Week’s Bizarro Occupations

Financial crisis or not, weird jobs are out in full force this week
. The first job ad, for a mortgage loan processor, is actually quite normal. However, its timing makes it too big a target to overlook. #2 on this week’s list is a trade; check out the storyline to see why it deserves a good verbal whipping.

The rest, well…they’re just weird:

1. Omaha: Mortgage Loan Processor

We are a growing and expanding mortgage office in Omaha, searching for an in house processor. Our company has several offices in 6 states. I am looking for solid knowledge and experience in FHA and coventional loans.

We have been sending our files through our corporate location for the last year. Compensation is based on experience and ability. We have plenty of support internally and away. Contact me today with your resume’ and starting making $$$. MUST HAVE SOLID FHA EXPERIENCE TO APPLY. Thanks

Those lacking FHA experience will be sent to our shadow mortgage loan office, located in the basement. There, you will process a new type of mortgage loan that relies on peoples’ future Social Security payouts as collateral. You’ll sell them to investment banks in bundles called Abode Social Security Securities, or ASSES. Don’t tell anybody.

2. Colorado: Tiffany & Co. Diamond Jewelry and Diamond Ring

Jewelry that I have for trade:

-A women’s diamond ring with 7 round cut diamonds in 14k white gold, (from the day we got engaged)

-An 18k yellow gold cross necklace with 11 diamonds, (from the night I caught him lying about staying late at the office. You don’t come back from a late office meeting with Johnie Walker on your breath and lipstick on your abdomen, no sirree)

-A Tiffany & Co. Elsa Peretti open heart necklace in sterling silver, (from the night I found a studded leather g-string in his dirty laundry, which he said was just a designer storage bag for his spare laptop battery)

-A Tiffany & Co. Return to Tiffanys bracelet in sterling silver, (from the day he bought a 1967 Corvette without asking me first)

-And a Tiffany & Co. 18k yellow gold ring with a single diamond. (from our wedding day)

I would be interested in trading for a nice men’s watch or ring. Also interested in a rifle or shotgun or a handgun in nice condition. (I will lure him into our bedroom and present him with a gift. I will then shoot him in the head and drive the Corvette to Mexico)

3. Arizona: looking for good souls with construction background

Housing industry may be down but we are busy.

One door closes and another opens.

We are looking for individuals who have background in different areas of the construction field. We do criminal background checks and start you at part time to test your abilities and character.

Our company is still growing faster than we can handle and is not bothered by the slow economy. In fact the slow economy is helping us find techs faster to help us grow. We are a legitimate company with work for those who don’t make excuses and just get ‘ur done. We treat our techs like partners, not employees with respect and expect the same. We pay our techs 20% more than our competitors and can do so due to our unique structure and flow of income.

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We’ll fast track you into this position if you can provide a notarized certificate from God that your soul is untainted.

4. Arizona: Liquor Demonstrator Needed

We are looking for an outgoing and friendly person to conduct grocery liquor demonstrations in your area.

Must be able to relate to customers between 21-40.

We will supply all necessary equipment to conduct the demonstrations.

$20 per hour.

We reserve the right to refuse employment to anyone who doesn’t sign our 50-page liability waiver.

5. Ottowa: Seeking Motivated Woman and Men

Fast growing Home Base company looking for new associates in the local & surrounding areas, to deliver valuable information either by telephone or email to people waiting to hear from us regarding our IN-DEMAND digital products and business packages.


* $1,000 – $2,500 weekly Guarantee
* NO selling, explaining or cold calling
* Unlimited training and company support
* Flexible hrs – lucrative benefits package

Reply Now or Call Larry to learn more!

The work, according to Larry:

You call.
Recipient gushes wildly: “Thank you so much for calling! I was waiting to hear from you! Please tell me about your IN-DEMAND digital business package…”
You clear your throat and enlighten them.
They write you a check.

The work, according to real life:

You call.
They cuss you out, then hang up on you.
You try again 235 times.
Someone buys a package.
Larry takes a 75% cut, then encourages you to attend a motivational seminar (only $59.99, plus tax) to boost your chances of success.
You cry.

6. Worldwide: MAIL ORDER BRIDES!!!

Looking for mail order brides who are or have been married. Please contact us if you would like to share your story for book project — author from America.

Husband not included.

7. Virginia: Victoria’s Secret- The worlds sexiest lingerie brand is hiring!!!!

Victoria’s Secret- The worlds sexiest lingerie brand is hiring!!! We are currently looking for part time sales associates, stock associates, and merchandising crew to join our team!!!! If you are energetic, love fashion, enjoy working with people and are looking for a fast paced work environment then we are looking for you!!! Please stop in the store to fill out an application or forward your resume for consideration!

Please be enthusiastic!!! And at last a 36C!!!

8. Alabama: Tutor Needed fro my Daughetr

A reliable tutor is needed to take my daughter, shes a grade seven
student..And i need a tutor to take her on maths and English…experience
is not a must.

Qualifications pinned on age 16 to 45years.
-Good Academic Background
-Male or Female

My daughert cnat sepll. It’s a gnetic thng.

Happy Friday!

  • Drea,

    Just what we all need after an emotionally (and, perhaps, financially)exhausting week! Bizzaro and a stitch.

    I’m not sure how #2 got in there (I’m not seeing the link to occupation–unless it is “scorned wife.”). But if she wants to pass on any of that stuff, I’d be happy to take it off her hands in trade for a shamanic clearing of both her and her possessions. It sounds like she could use it!


  • 50-page liability waiver. Jeesh

    I can see the frat guys lining up right now.. haha