1. UK: Lifestyle/Relationship Journalist/Public Relations Professional
Need someone who can pitch a good story to London media outlets. Story is a bout a Dr who has a group of males and is taking them around London teaching them the skills and science behind meeting women. Please send resume right away. Thanks
Thing is, this doctor is really bad at meeting women. He’s going to give these guys really bad advice, but nobody will know it. You have to make him look good, however. Still interested?
2. UK: HENCHMEN NEEDED
20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of ‘nemesis’ vigilante). Electrical theme.
Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised ‘lightning guns’. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc).
Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants:
-interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar)
-being a corruptible government official
-ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the ‘lone wolf’ variety)
-grudge against any well-known vigilante
-flexible moral code
Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome.
Great promotion opportunities – right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV.
Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career!
– Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi
* Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion
* Compensation: 20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant’s personal skills/powers.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
If you’re really lucky, they’ll make a movie about you.
3. LA: Writer / End Of The World.
I am making a small book and needs fact in regard to End of the world. If you believe that now is the end of the world and you have solid fact I will buy the info from you for $5.00 each fact, For example you can say: According to ABCD- EFG this is the end of the world. I need a total of 200 solid believable facts it equals $1000. I will buy as little as 1 fact for $5.00 All payments are done by paypal.com please do-not email any facts until you have talked to me and you get a confirmation. You can call or email for us to call you back.
Funny thing is, I bet this author actually received the requested number of “solid facts.”
4. WA: need to move a shed
need to move a shed to new location, 10 miles, no freeway. please give a quote if you could handle it.
There are bodies and a small wood chipper in the shed. Don’t ask questions, OK?
5. NY: Handyman needed for fairytale ending…
Once upon a time in a land far, far away there once lived a queen whose king was too busy to handle some of the small jobs around the castle. Things like fixing a ceiling fan, the garbage disposal, the leaky kitchen sink, a broken gate and fence around the castle’s pond and taking a peek at the dishwasher that has become a ROYAL pain.
The queen asked and asked, but the king was still too busy. (At least for this story’s sake we’ll say “busy”)
So the queen decided to never ask the king again to do these jobs…instead, she thought it would be best to seek out the nicest and skilled handyman in the kingdom. She placed an ad on the royal internet asking for a well mannered, licensed and insured (liability and WC) handyman to help her with these chores.
The queen (who is also effected by the kingdom’s economy) is seeking a reasonable estimate or two and is even willing to purchase her own replacement parts if that will keep the costs lower.
Your reply to this ad will surely help the Queen of Nag-a-lot (and of course the king) live happily ever after…
I wish all job postings were this lyrical.