This Week’s Weird Jobs

Image: See-Ming Lee/Flickr

Optimism is a feature of American life. And this week’s weird jobs are full of hope. Those hopefuls include a guy who wants to provide kissing lessons, the woman with the clogged toilet, and someone willing to lease you banana slugs.

1. VA: Kissing lessons

Are you a woman?
Are you tired of guys complaining that you are a horrible kisser?
Would you like to learn some new techniques in a fun and safe environment?

Well you are in luck my friend! Right now you can take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I’m offering FREE, thats right, absolutely FREE kissing lessons to the first 500 women who apply. So don’t delay, those 500 free offers are going fast!

If you act RIGHT NOW you will receive training on the following types of kisses:

1.) French kissing
2.) Eskimo kissing
3.) Electric shock kissing
4.) Ear kissing
5.) Neck kissing
6.) Spiderman kissing
7.) Breath Kissing
8.) Underwater Kissing
9.) Vacuum Kissing

And much much more!!!!

So what are you waiting for?? Pick up the phone now! And then put it back down and send me an email for an awe inspiring experience!!

You won’t regret it!!

You can’t fault the guy for trying.

2. Hawaii: Swim & snorkle teacher

Mainland family on vacation wants 13 y/o son to get ocean swimming, lifeguard, snorkling lessons from 6-15 to 6-22 for 1-2 hours per day, mornings preferable. Have beach access and pool on property, and lessons will be on site with parents helping out. Youth is excellent swimmer, well behaved, and fun too. Wants to be a lifeguard. Will pay $25/hr. References essential and will interview before employment. Lifeguard or swim teacher certification important. We can provide references as well. Please briefly mention any relevant experience or certifications. Mahalo nui loa.

* Compensation: $25

This actually sounds like a pretty sweet job, especially if the parents aren’t overbearing control freaks.

3. CA: CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT for $$$ Women only

If you’ve ever wanted to cut your hair super short now is your chance. If you want to try a buzzcut or extreme boyish haircut contact us. Serious enquiries only. Please send picture for evaluation.

* Compensation: $40-$150

Hey, it’s better than getting paid to be a medical research guinea pig.

4. Fix my toilet and I’ll love you forever

Two weeks ago my children have managed to plug up the toilet somehow. I have no idea if it’s just copious amounts of paper or if there is a foreign object shoved in there. Here is what I have tried:

Drano (yeah, yeah, you’re not supposed to put Drano in a toilet)
Rid-X (doesn’t work on normal toilets)
Palmalive (supposed to make the clog slide away, yeah, right)
The garden hose (my father’s brilliant suggestion)
Rubber glove on hand (no, I cannot feel anything, it must be WAY in there)

I can’t afford a plumber but let me just say that the toilet is turning neat shades of green now and I want to puke every time I walk by. The three year old does not understand to stop flushing!

What I have: well, I do get paid in two weeks, but I’ll die from gas fumes by then

a fax/copier laser thingie- one year old
world’s oldest treadmill

Anyone want to help me before the toilet grows space aliens and they attack us while we’re sleeping?!

This ad could be the definition of a sympathy case.

5. Portland: Slugs for lease

I have some banana slugs I will lease out for $1.00 per day.

You just come catch them, and keep sliding dollar bills under my front door.

I also have some worms available for .50 daily, and a few spiders as well.

I am trying to save up for a flat screen TV.

Thank you so much in advance.

Y’know, another way to save for the flat screen is to lay off the mary jane. Just saying.

Happy Friday!

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Written by Drea Knufken

Drea Knufken

Currently, I create and execute content- and PR strategies for clients, including thought leadership and messaging. I also ghostwrite and produce press releases, white papers, case studies and other collateral.