Image: Kingdom of Style
This week’s jobs include a position for a hippy, a meat cutter, and an amateur astronaut. If none of those suit your fancy, you can be the person who provides a ladder for someone stuck in a well. No kidding:
1. Denver: Hippies with the Flow!!
Our hip art company is looking for career oriented men and women who enjoy music, money and casual dress. No experience necessary. Paid training. Travel possible.
Will train to management level.
* Compensation: $450/wk up to $45k/yr
This all sounds fine and good, but what exactly are you, the hippy, doing for $450/week?
2. Las Vegas: COURTESY PATROL OFFICER
Seeking Courtesy Patrol Officers, responsible for maintaining the safety and integrity of the property.
Duties required by this position are as follows:
•Patrol the perimeter and exterior of the property
•Observe and Report incidents and safety issues on property
•Must be able to Walk, Stand and Climb stairs for long periods of time
•Write trespass warnings
•Emphasis on community policing
•Work with limited supervision
•Understand Laws pertaining to Courtesy Patrol limits and liabilities
Applicants must be ARMED!
Must be disciplined enough not to point guns at pot-smoking teenagers, hot tub poachers, and the other benign riffraff you will battle on a nightly basis.
3. Denver: Meat Cutter
Looking for experienced meat cutter for part time work (15-20 hours per week). We cut meat to order, and grind our own burger and sausage.
Must know beef and lamb extremely well. Knowledge of pork and chicken also helpful.
If you know dog, cat, or coon, please don’t mention it during your interview.
4. Alberta: Astronaut Needed
Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.
My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.
The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe,
I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here’s your shot at romantic history.
-over the age of 18.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-no taller than 5’10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.
* Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
That’s $25,000 for your life. Blow it fast, before you die on Titan.
5. Philadelphia: IN A WELL, NEED LADDER
I’m offering a reward for the first person who shows up with at least a 25 foot ladder to the well off of rt. 322 and Sugarsbridge Rd. My friends won’t come because they think i’m joking. I’m definitely NOT… I have water but have not eaten in two days.
Reward is negotiable depending on how quickly you get here. And FYI to the kid that threw rocks down the well at me yesterday evening, I’m going to find you and do terrible thing to you.
Hoax? Perhaps, but funny.