Some jobs, anyone can do. And some jobs need to be a personality fit. For example, you probably shouldn’t be an atheist if you apply for a church musician gig. You shouldn’t be a manipulative type if you’re interested in hypnotism. And if you want to sell sewers, well…read on:
1. CA: Church Musician, pianist, organist, guitarist
Need church musician – keyboard player to play for one regularly scheduled Sunday morning worship service, including but not limited to gospel and urban/contemporary Christian music. Also renders music for a few special services (holiday services) per year. Rehearses (day or time are flexible), directs and accompanies the choirs in their participation in the worship life of the Congregation.
God has no respect of person and denomination – therefore neither do we. What is most important is that you are committed, can do the job, are excited about worship and love the Lord.
If you consider Satan, science, or Gaia as your Lord, please be very good at faking Christianity.
2. I Will Help You Teach Your Cat to Walk On a Leash
I am a dog person by nature, but have slowly taught my cats to walk on a leash outdoors. So many people have stopped and said, “‘I’ve always wanted to do that, how did you you do it?” that I figured I might try to pass on some knowledge for a minimal fee.
Walking your cat is great fun, and they love it. One of mine took to it right away and still sits meowing at the door to go out; the other, who I got when he was older, was terrified of the outdoors at first, but has come to love it. Most felines would love to be outdoors, smelling and feeling new things, even if they’re scared at first. Most people just don’t give them the chance.
Cats after three years old may not be able to acclimatize to the outdoors and all of its stimuli; some cats hate the harness; and others may just be housecats, pure and simple. Them’s the breaks.
Teaching them how to walk takes time and patience, but it is rewarding. I should add that they rarely walk completely like a dog (i.e. your cat won’t jog next to you), and will sometimes decide, “Hey, let’s slow down and lay down here for a while, this bush smells good,” you can train them to walk alongside you on a leash for long periods of time. Once they get that first taste, they love it.
And once you can do that, you can take your cat to the beach, to the park, to the lake, etc. A whole new world for them, and fun for you.
My fee for an hour or so of instruction is fifty dollars. I will bring one of mine over as a demonstration and talk to you about the various steps to take. I can’t guarantee that your cat will learn to walk on a leash, but if it does your fifty will be well spent.
That’s one heck of a niche.
3. OR: Sewer Salesman
Looking for a highly motivated individual with a plumbing sales background targeting sewers in need of repair or replacement.
Duties would include (but not limited to):
*Identify sewers in need of repair or replacement using an in-pipe video camera and pipe locator.
*Provides a description of diagnosed problems to the customer, calculates costs, and provides a written estimate to the customer.
Must have proven sales experience in Sewer Replacement.
Note that we will not hire you if you like to play with stink bombs or compulsively dress like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
4. OR: Hypnotist – Paid Internship
Are you positive minded, upbeat, enthusiastic and compassionate? Are you interested in helping people change their lives for the better? We currently have an opening in our Hypnotist Internship program for someone just like you. We will train you to be a certified Hypnotist and pay you while you become an important part of our team.
Professional appearance is a must. Previous experience with Weight Loss and Nutrition a definite plus, but not necessary.
Sociopaths and astroturfers need not apply.
5. MO: INNKEEPER WANTED
A full service inn and event facility is looking for a part-time, live-in innkeeper to aid in the lodging portion of our business. This individual must be very personable, enjoys interacting with the public, energetic, detail oriented and a team player. Responsibilities include all aspects of guest relations, light housekeeping, office work, and cooking breakfast. Accommodations are provided on site; this is a live-in position. Please email resume and references.
If you get snowed in for days, please don’t panic. Our last guy was so bad that they made a movie about him.