This Week’s Weird Jobs

drugposter

I dare you to find one remotely normal gig in this week’s list. And if you do find that gig, tell me why on earth you think it’s normal:

1. OR: I am looking for a private investigator or someone wanting cash!!

I need someone to tail my boyfriend. I need pics and locations and addresses. Job entails high confidentiality and results in one week! Bonus of $500.00 if you provide me with photos of him with another woman. I will pay fuel costs and $10.00 per hour wages CASH!! Email me with your info and I will contact you.

$10/hour, but $500 for photos of the guy with another woman? That’s quite an incentive for a dishonest cameraman.

2. CA: Sexual Enhancement Coffee

Distributors needed in California for hot new sexual enhancement coffee. Very high profit, huge untapped demand.

The target market for this product has got to be people in the porn industry. Who else would want more morning wood with their daily cuppa?

3. CA: Were you pregnant without knowing it?


Do you have a personal story we should hear?

Were you pregnant without knowing it until you went into labor?
Did you give birth in an unusual location because you didn’t know you were pregnant?
Do you know someone who didn’t know they were pregnant?
It’s more common than you think!

TLC is looking for true stories for a brand new season of I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.
Send us a summary of your story with your name and contact information.

Reality TV must be getting desperate.

4. CA: Superhero Impersonators

Working on a portrait book on superheroes, need PROFESSIONAL SUPERHERO IMPERSONATORS, that is, people that MAKE A LIVING wearing their superhero costume either working on the street, birthday parties, events, disney world, costume designers, etc. Please DO NOT REPLY if you are an actor looking for headshots, or some dude that really likes their Halloween costume. This is a serious artistic project.

I would say that person will have a hard time finding subjects…but this ad is from LA.

5. MI: Wanted– babysitter for druggies

My boyfriend and I like to experiment with various recreational chemicals, but sometimes when we’re coming down (like now) we don’t want to go out, but we really really really want some sort of obscure, horrible fast food item. We used to have a friend that would bring us stuff and not expect much in return, but he moved away. We would like a replacement for him. We don’t want to DO drugs with you, but we are perfectly willing to hook you up or bake you cookies (when we’re sober) or listen to you whine about how no girls like you (as our old Tender of the Druggies did).

We don’t want you to stay overly long, either. Bring us stuff, chill for maybe fifteen minutes (longer if we aren’t obviously exchanging looks or hinting about how tired we are or how NO WE DO NOT WANT A CUDDLE THREESOME), be on your way. We are chill people and really would like to be your friend, but this works better if you are some sort of unlikable loser, eager to please and be accepted, have lots of spare time and few friends, and are socially retarded in some other manner– thus you are fine with an abusive, exploitative relationship of you fetching us NOMS.

Anyway, hunger is becoming a serious problem after all this 2c-i so we are off to fix that. Please let us know if you would like to assist us with this endeavor in the future.

Bet babysitting your drug-addled “friends” never occurred to you as a professional gig.

Happy Friday!