A couple of this week’s jobs involve services that you might want–if you can pay enough for them. Like a trip to the game with a porn star. Or a foul-mouthed piano tuning experience. Your opportunities to pay for these enlightening experiences include scooping poop and knocking on somebody’s door:
1. WA: Personal Assistant 1 hr/day 8am wanted
I want to get out of the house and workout everyday. I need help motivating my body to walk out the door. I need someone to come ring the doorbell and tell me to get out of the house to go for a run, hike, kayak or such.
It should only take a week of this to get me motivated enough to go on my own.
This person takes lack of motivation to new heights.
2. CA: girl with large mouth
looking for girl with large, and wide mouth for modelling shoot
Some modeling shoot.
3. AZ: Take Adult Star Katie Michaels to see Rangers vs. Coyotes Saturday!!!
Hi I am THE Katie Michaels as seen in Hustler’s barely Legal 100 and other fine adult films. I recently attended a Cardinals playoff game with a happy football fan and now you have the chance to take me to see the Rangers Saturday night to play against our Phoenix Coyotes. Yes it stinks that Carcillo got traded but look at how good we are doing without Gretzky behind the bench! Anyways, if you would like to see the game with me I have two lower level seats (one for me one for you) and for $500 we will both go and have a great time. Check me out on www.katiemichaels.net and hit me up with your phone number by replying to this posting so that I can make the necessary arrangements. First fan gets to have me and since there is only one of me don’t wait.
That’s a new way of doing things.
4. Idaho: Pooper Scopper Wanted
hi I need a pooper scooper person!! and PAYING $10 and hour cash for pooper scooper person.
Note that this job poster doesn’t mention what kind of poop needs scooping…
5. NY: Tune Your God Damn Piano
For christ’s sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I’m the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I’ll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I’ll make YOU sing too. Na i’m kidding, that’s a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I’ll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way.
You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I’ll tune it. Done. Just like that.
All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don’t fucking call me if you’re in Queens or Hoboken.
$80 for grand and upright pianos
$100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder)
Don’t let your kids within 100 feet of this piano tuner.