This Week’s Weird Jobs


Image: Badagnani

Gong, kanji, smart people, and brain surgery all made it into this week’s weird jobs. But the most poignant one is at the top:

1. Austin: please help me win my wife back

I am a white man who is 46 years old. I’m a dad of teenagers. Middle class.

My wife of many years and I are having big fights, and I want to woo her back. Part of the plan is to not look like the 46-year-old slob that I fear she sees.

I’m no bumpkin–but I’m no metrosexual, either. Honestly, I’m clueless as to fashion, looks, etc.

So what I’m hoping to find: someone (in my mind, it’s a woman in her 30s who is young enough to be hip and mature enough to understand me) who will spend a day with me making me more attractive to my wife.

If this sounds weird to you, please don’t respond. If you find this ridiculous, please move on.

But if you want to help a decent guy who is in love with his wife, please write. She’s back in town on Wednesday–I want my hair and skin and clothes and whatever else to look awesome by then.

I will pay $200 for 8 hours of consulting. You would need to listen to me about the things I know she likes (like curls at the back of my hair), and not try to make me look like I’m 20-something, or anything else I’m not. But I’m very open to a fresh perspective. And, of course, you would need to be respectful, and in earnest.

When you get right down to it, we’re all just really trying, right? I need some help. I’m no creeper–I’m not trying to meet someone, or whatever–maybe you’re not a 30-something woman, maybe you’re a 20- or 80-something gay man or whatever–I don’t care. I’m just a middle-aged guy who needs some help in looking as best he can (which won’t be much) to try to win his wife back. If you can help, please get in touch.

It’ll be a challenge: I have braces, and a bald spot! Well, you play the hand you’re dealt.

My wife is the love of my life, and I want nothing more than to be the best I can be for her.

Thanks for reading–I hope you can help–

I doubt that looks are the main problem between this guy and his wife, but you can’t fault him for trying his best.

2. Idaho: I need someone who can write kanji

I need someone who can write the date February 14, 1995 in kanji. Please call or email.

Bringing a Kanji instruction book (or your iPad) and tracing paper don’t count.

3. Gong Ringer

Looking for someone to ring a gong in my living room when prompted. Part time position, I imagine mostly weekends. Experience not necessary, but history of gong-related ceremony in bloodline preferred. Serious inquiries only.

By the way, I prompt you with a long, pointy stick, and the gong is to time my naked yoga. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

4. NY: WE NEED A SMART PERSON

We need a smart or more person to help un with our Company.

‘Cuz we don’t have any smart people there right now.

5. Atlanta: Brain Surgery Intern

Need a Brain Surgery Intern ASAP! I have just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and the doctor says that I only have 3 months to live unless I have brain surgery. This is an unpaid operation, but you will receive credit and snacks while you are operating. This is a good way to build up your resume by networking with others who need free surgery. If you do a good job, and I live, this may lead to future PAID surgeries!

If you have your own surgery tools and anesthesia, that is a plus and you move to the front of the line.
Please respond with a link to all of the operations that you have performed, transcripts from the universities that you attended, and a copy of your MCAT scores.

Please only respond if you are SERIOUS. You must be a team player and have your own car.

Let me guess. This was written by a disgruntled creative type tired of seeing hard jobs posted for low pay.

Happy Friday!