Do you ever wish that companies would just write direct, gritty layoff announcements? Like “Sorry, folks, we fell victim to the economy, too. We’re going to have a lottery for which 5,000 of you are going to be moving back in with your parents next week?” But they never are. It probably has something to do with the vague notion of “investor relations,” which causes even the most swashbuckling of CEOs to verbally tiptoe prima ballerinas.
What PR departments wrote obituaries, too? I venture that they would look something like this:
In its current challenging environment, Herman Bibb’s body, aged 92, decided that it must operate in a more responsible manner, given the circumstances, and engage in a massive restructuring.
The body decided that its former business model, known as homeostasis, was not “with the times” in terms of sustainability and operational resources. As a result, Bibb’s body will undergo a carefully managed restructuring process that includes cost-saving rigor mortis, bloating, and eventual decomposition. In the long run, according to Bibb’s former CEO, who goes only by The Soul, the actions announced will make Bibb a leaner and more efficient competitor.
Bibb’s consolidation will involve liquidating more than 50 trillion cells, including those in the lung, brain, heart, and skin divisions. The number represents about 100% of Bibb’s workforce. “By reducing cell count, we will be able to react more quickly to celestial market trends, simplify our relationship with The One, and devote our resources to eternal life,” said The Soul.
“Reducing our cell count is an unfortunate consequence of the current living environment,” he said in a press conference. “I am unhappy that so few of our cells will be unable to move forward with me as I ascend into an exciting future with myself. Rest assured that we remain sensitive to all affected cells and will treat them with honesty and respect as they are consumed by bottom feeders.”
In an unexpected windfall for his bloodline, Bibb will be leaving an unprecedented dividend, including a thrice-mortgaged house, a 1982 Studebaker, and Ike, his Standard Poodle.
Bibb’s remaining physical assets will be liquidated to earthworms on the open soil market.