Being a ruthless dictator is a difficult job. Genocide, oppression, racism and avoiding assassination make a man pretty lonely. Here are 15 dictators looking for love using OK Cupid ads. Ladies? Ladies….?
Ali Abdullah Saleh: Yemen
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to keep myself from getting shot by my beloved people.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’ve been shot
I’m looking for: Someone who enjoys cooking Italian and oppressive rule
You should message me if: You own any predator drones. I love those things!
Jose Eduardo dos Santos: Angola
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to find Angola on a map
The first thing people usually notice about me: That you get two Santos for the price of one
I’m looking for: Someone who doesn’t mind living in a third world Hellhole
You should message me if: You like long walks on the beach strewn with the bodies of my enemies.
Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo: Equatorial Guinea
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to pronounce my name
The first thing people usually notice about me: That my name tag wraps around my chest
I’m looking for: A chick with a name like “Wu” or “Chi”. No more than three letters!
You should message me if: You like listening to Celine Dione.
Nursultan Abishuly Nazarbayev: Kazakhstan
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to have Sasha Baron Cohen killed
The first thing people usually notice about me: That there are a thousand corpses on my front lawn
I’m looking for: Someone that isn’t squeamish
You should message me if: You’re turned on by crimes against humanity.
Alexander Grigoryevich Lukashenko: Belarus
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to convince people that yes, that’s an actual name of a country
The first thing people usually notice about me: My gangsta tats.
I’m looking for: An old fashioned girl who thinks Hitler was misunderstood.
You should message me if: You’re a fan of Schindler’s List, except for the third act.
Frank Bainimarama: Fiji
What I’m doing with my life: Living on a tiny island with one palm tree.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I was not in the band Bananarama.
I’m looking for: Two people to help me reenact the opening of Hawaii 5-O. You know, with the rowers at the beginning. That would be cool.
You should message me if: You realize I can’t get you any free bottled water.
Saparmurat Niyazov: Turkmenistan
What I’m doing with my life: Banishing dogs from the capital because of their unappealing odor!
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I am strangling their dog
I’m looking for: Someone who understands they must be controlled by the state
You should message me if: You want a boyfriend-for-life!
Hamid Karzai: Afghanistan
What I’m doing with my life: Collecting bribes and answering calls from crybaby warlords.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I am covered in poppy seeds.
I’m looking for: Bribes and dates. Preferably both.
You should message me if: Your bills are unmarked and you control at least four square miles of poppy fields.
Islom Karimov: Uzbekistan
What I’m doing with my life: Boiling political opponents in oil.
The first thing people usually notice about me: I wear a chef’s hat everywhere!
I’m looking for: The proper seasoning for a Belgian.
You should message me if: You like your fondue screaming.
Abdullah of Saudi Arabia: Saudi Arabia
What I’m doing with my life: Protecting the culture of my people by brutally oppressing them.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m wearing my sheets.
I’m looking for: Wife #142
You should message me if: You don’t mind group showers
Raul Castro: Cuba
What I’m doing with my life: Waiting for my brother to die.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m not my brother and my face isn’t a T-shirt.
I’m looking for: Someone that will help me row to Miami.
You should message me if: You’d like some free cigars.
Robert Mugabe: Zimbabwe
What I’m doing with my life: Trying to save up ten trillion Zimbabwe dollars for a loaf of bread.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m accompanied by a witch doctor wherever I go.
I’m looking for: A woman who will love me for who I am, a brutal dictator and a lover of fine wines.
You should message me if: You want to hook up with a racists homophobe.
Muammar Gaddafi: Libya
What I’m doing with my life: As much as I can in the short time I have left.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m hiding behind a bunker and a battalion of bodyguards.
I’m looking for: A woman that is a tiger in the sack and can take a few bullets if she has to act as a human shield.
You should message me if: You’re not trying to figure out my coordinates for a missile.
Kim Jong-il: North Korea
What I’m doing with my life: Making taller dictators look less crazy.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m only slightly less taller than the puppet that played me in Team America.
I’m looking for: Stuff to look at.
You should message me if: You are under four feet and don’t mind calling me “Great Leader” in the sack.
Hosni Mubarak: Egypt
What I’m doing with my life: I’m retired… for now.
The first thing people usually notice about me: That I’m being chased by Egyptian peace activists.
I’m looking for: Someone that longs for oppressive rule and an iron fist.
You should message me if: You like the Pyramids. I can get us tickets. Front row.
