14 of the Dumbest Identity Thieves

With today’s technology, crime can sometimes be complicated. Forget the old “club-a-guy-over-the-head-for-his-wallet” crime. Assuming you steal a guy’s I.D., your greatest weapon against him will probably be a computer. Here are 15 criminals that probably should’ve stuck to smash and grabs.

Man Steals Identity of Sex Offender

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James Perry, a Florida man worried about his drunk driving arrests, did the “smart thing” and stole his neighbor’s identity. Apparently, he forgot to do a background check because his neighbor turned out to be a sex offender that hadn’t registered with the cops. Later, he paid for his mistake when he got arrested for disorderly conduct. Nice going, Lex Luthor.

Mayor McCheese Cracks the Case

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If you’re going to steal someone’s wallet, it’s probably a good idea not to use the credit cards at the nearest McDonald’s. Estellamarie Ruiz apparently could not resist the aroma of burgers under a heating lamp. Sadly, this did not end up a Happy Meal, as the cops quickly found her chowing down with the receipts still in her possession. The Hamburglar would’ve done it better.

Bill Gates Gives Away His Money

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As we all know, billionaires love to give away their money. But geek billionaires, like Bill Gates, can’t give away too much money or the jock billionaires will see it as a sign of weakness. That’s why you’d have to be an idiot to fall for this identity theft scam, where the fake email tells you that Microsoft has just randomly awarded you half of a million dollars. That’s about as likely to happen as Windows Vista being able to talk to your printer.

Thieves Use a Cop’s Check

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When you pass bad checks at the Safeway, it’s probably a bad idea to use the name of the head of the local task force in charge of capturing identity thieves. These Einsteins of crime, already on probation, were quickly apprehended. No word yet on whether or not they remembered their discount card during the crime.

Needs More Training

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You have to train your employees, especially to be aware of identity theft. A group of thieves came into a store and rang up $8,000 worth of merchandise. The card set off an alarm, so what did the clerk do? He called the number…that thieves gave him to confirm the credit card. Looks like someone is not making assistant manager this year.

Mail Stealers

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You’d think that tiny, tin box the mailman stuffs your gas bill in would be safe from thieves. Wrong! Even at an apartment building, two thieves jacked it despite video cameras. A $1000 reward was offered for their arrest. Hell, for that kind of reward, it might be worth rigging your mailbox with a tiny bear trap. Don’t worry, your mailman is an experienced professional who would probably never fall for that.

Practice Makes a Moron

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A Minnesota man filed tax returns for other people without their knowledge, taking their tax returns. His excuse? It was just practice! Maybe next time he should practice not being dumbass.

Hacking the Osbournes

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There’s only one thing dumber than hacking someone’s email, hacking a celebrity’s email and then forwarding all her emails to your account. According to Kelly Osbourne’s Twitter, that’s exactly what a mysterious hacker did. The only question now is, did the hacker make a mistake or does he just not know any actual celebrities?

Reach Out And Touch…the Cops

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It’s bad enough if you used a cop’s name on a fake check, but calling the cops to try and make fake credit cards is much worse. Apparently, some criminal genius in Seattle dialed wrong and the savvy cop that got the call led him right to jail. Try again, Al Capone.

Freeze, Pizza Man!

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When a Georgia woman realized her credit card was gone and being used by someone else, she called the cops. The thieves were caught because they used the stolen card to pay for a pizza they were ordering to their own home. No effort there. They won’t be getting free garlic knots and dipping sauce where they’ll be going. Jail almost never has dipping sauce.

There Must Be 50 Ways to Get Arrested

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When you steal an ATM card, it’s a good idea to know the pin number. One determined thief returned to the ATM machine, making 50 attempts to guess the pin number. Wouldn’t playing the lottery make it just as likely and legal for you to win?

Call the Cops on Yourself

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When your laptop is stolen, it’s a good idea to call the cops…unless your laptop happens to have over 30,000 identities listed on it. Hint: maybe asking the cops to locate evidence of your other crimes is not the smartest thing you can do. Maybe while you’re at it, see if the cops can find your giant bag of weed, your stolen car and where you buried that dead prostitute.

The Prosecutor’s Card

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While a friend was in court for a hearing, this moron (or man with giant-sized cajones) stole the credit card of the prosecutor and used it to rack up $1100 in purchases. I’m guessing this probably means the prosecutor won’t go easy on him.

Dumb Cyber Criminal of the Century

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Some people are stupidly open with Facebook, Twitter and other social media because they forget it’s so public. But when you attempt to extort money from a billion dollar insurance company, you might not want to build a website and post your plan for everyone to see. Yes, it actually happened. And you thought those chatty James Bond villains were stupid? Hopefully, his cellmate will make good use of his website building skills.