15 of the Most Worthless Inventions Money Can Buy

Despite the world’s trials and tribulations, it seems like a lot of inventors are hell-bent on creating products which are nothing more than a worthless gimmick. This is because people would rather try and buy their way to health and happiness than work toward it. Money-hungry inventors and investors are all too eager to give the lazy and stupid what they want: useless crap which promises to improve the quality of life while really serving no more purpose than a dust-gathering end table in an unused room. Here are 15 of the most worthless inventions to ever separate a fool and his (or her) money.

The Dumbell Cane

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Like olde tyme fitness in an olde tyme way? Then you need the Dumbell Cane from the early 1900′s! Invented by what we assume was an olde tyme scientist, the Dumbell Cane was essentially a very heavy cane with a nickel top. This was more likely used to club unruly man servants and those jerks on the Hi-Wheel bicycles.

Get a Grip Wine Glass Grip

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Have you ever said to yourself, “Gosh, I’m too stupid to properly hold a wine glass!”? Do you wonder how you might make it abundantly clear that you are a clod in front of a group of sophisticated wine drinkers? Look no further! The “Get a Grip” wine glass grip puts a bright red grip on your wine glass that says to the world, “I am probably a toddler, and you should call child services right now.”

Prosthetic Dog Balls

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Do you feel bad about what you did to Rover? No, not the peanut butter thing, the other thing when you took him to the vet and got his nuts removed? What is your best friend going to lick for the rest of his life? The answer is Neuticles! Neuticles allows your dog’s junk to return to its former glory. Now he’ll have something to do while you visit your therapist.

Cleavage Coverage

Let’s face it: boobies are distracting. You don’t want to be doing a kidney operation when the nurse leans over to help and gives you a clear view of her meat jugs. Fortunately, there’s Camiband! Now when that hot chick goes to work, she can wear this and pretend people take her seriously.

The Flatulence Deodorizer

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After years of failure with corks, the inventor of this gadget decided to go in a different direction. Why not stop butt gas near its source? The Flatulence Deodorizer is kind of nice way of saying “Fart Tampon”. But unless your gas is SBD, the noise is probably still going to give you away.

Cat Wigs

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Finally, something for bald cats! Cat Wigs come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It’s the perfect gift for your crazy cat lady that isn’t quite crazy enough. It’s probably the same kind of people that tried to order Kitten Mittens. It is highly doubtful that a cat would ever tell its owner about a desire to own a wig and mittens, and much more likely that weird single women across America are struggling to force these stupid inventions on their poor, squirming cats who want nothing more than to be left alone to their windowsills and strings.

The Dog Sack

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Like your dog enough to take him on a drive, but not enough to let him in the car? The 1950′s had the answer… Kind of. It’s a Dog…Sack…thing. Just fasten old Rover in this bag and I’m sure he’ll remain perfectly still while you barrel through traffic at 60 mph. It’s a good thing pets were disposable in those days.

Phone Fingers

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It’s not really clear what demographic of people would be interested in this product, but for those have a weird rubber fetish and/or love the tiny finger condoms used at the dentist, Phone Fingers is the way to go. Why look like an idiot pounding the touch screen while wearing gloves, when you can look like a douche from the not-too-distant future? It’s truly a product that says to the world, “I’ll buy anything that’s in a Sky Mall catalogue.”

Subway Chinrest

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No, this isn’t a device for Jared, the fast food spokesman if he gained back all his weight, it’s actually a device for people to lean their chins on in the subway. It was marketed in Japan, the only country where this might not look completely insane. But finally, Bill O’Reilly has something to hold up his giant forehead if he gets too tired.

The Pizza Fork

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Sadly, this is not a fork made out of pizza, which would at least be delicious. It is instead a fork with a pizza cutter on the handle. It’s sort of like a lame Swiss Army Knife for people too lazy to wash utensils AND cook.

The Plow Gun

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We don’t know what kind of farm the inventor was running to build this, but it must’ve been pretty bad. When you have to take your turnips hostage or shoot your mule in a hurry, this invention from 1826 is for you. Either way, you’re not getting on a plane with this baby.

Fork Alarm

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And you thought the Pizza Fork was going to be the dumbest fork on the list. This invention has a timer that allows the user to know when its time to take another bite. Still, you have to understand that it was patented in 1995, a crazy era for forks and timed eating. Seinfeld was still on the air and if you could be “Master of Your Domain” you at least had to be master of your fork.

Helicopter Ejection Seat

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No one wants to go down with the chopper, but is it better to get ripped to shreds instead? The Helicopter Ejection Seat probably had good intentions, but the guys that invented it just didn’t think it through. Maybe a Helicopter trap door would work better.

The Prostate Gland Warmer

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Patented in 1918, the prostate gland warmer was suppose to stimulate a man’s “abdominal brain”. Instead it ended up more like an alien probe sans the alien. From the looks of that invention, it may have been adapted for the ladies later on.

The Useless Box

Even more useless than a computer floppy drive or Ryan Seacrest, the Useless Box performs as advertised. It’s a robot whose only function is to turn itself off. Now if only they could somehow adapt it so it would work on Joe Biden’s mouth.

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Comments

  1. Nico's Gravatar Comment by Nico on April 5th, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I agree with most of them except the ejection seat, if you have done your homework, you’ll see that the blades from the rotor are blown away prior to ejection. Its actually a pretty neat design.

  2. CaesarInvictus's Gravatar Comment by CaesarInvictus on April 5th, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    The helicopter ejection seat actually works well, research is actually helpful for these things isnt it?

  3. bob's Gravatar Comment by bob on April 5th, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Yeah, the helicopter ejection seat…works wery well actually.
    The Kamow Ka-50 did it in 1982.
    Oh, o.k. it saves russian lives so it has to be one of the worst inventions ever…

  4. Stephen Silk's Gravatar Comment by Stephen Silk on April 5th, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    The helicopter ejector seat, though it sounds dumb, actually works. It ejects the pilot sideways, not upwards, far enough to avoid the rotors.

  5. Brad's Gravatar Comment by Brad on April 6th, 2011 at 3:27 am

    I think you will find that a helicopter with an ejection seat also ejects the blades making them shoot off moments before the seat ejects making it not a useless invention.

  6. Ish's Gravatar Comment by Ish on April 6th, 2011 at 7:23 am

    The helicopter ejection seat works and is real. The blades shut off and stop completely when the seat is ejected. Perhaps research more before u post.

  7. Bryon's Gravatar Comment by Bryon on April 9th, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Errrr don’t the helicopters blow the blades before they launch the confetti..I mean pilot

  8. Anthoni's Gravatar Comment by Anthoni on April 17th, 2011 at 1:33 am

    yay! funny stupid ppl fighting over a helicopter seat ejector!

    i dont know who is more stupid, you guys or who post this.
    and yes i was meant to be funny, not do do research on it
    it just sounds funny dont you get it?

  9. Pete O’diddlydoodly's Gravatar Comment by Pete O'diddlydoodly on April 19th, 2011 at 4:58 am

    Helicopter ejaculation is an amazing thing, I do it all the time when I’m riding solo!

  10. N Dawg's Gravatar Comment by N Dawg on April 20th, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    The Plow Gun is not real. http://www.patents.com/us-re35600.html

  11. b.perry's Gravatar Comment by b.perry on April 26th, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    does anybody actualy read the comments before adding there own 2 cents?… theres like 8 comments to this artcle, all of them saying the same thing about the helicopter ejection seat.do people realy have that strong of an urge to be heard that they cant even check if its been said, i can understand if there was pages of comments, but there is a grand total of 8. it took me a hold 20 seconds.

  12. Jerry Actress's Gravatar Comment by Jerry Actress on April 30th, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I want the Useless Box!

  13. Marty's Gravatar Comment by Marty on May 2nd, 2011 at 10:21 pm

    They forgot about the pet rock.

  14. cameron's Gravatar Comment by cameron on July 29th, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    “getting in an argument over an online comments thread is like the special olympics – win, lose, either way, you’re still retarded”

  15. outai's Gravatar Comment by outai on July 29th, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    hey, those phone finger things ARE useful. if you have a cut on your finger but don’t want to wear a full glove to protect others from your bodily fluids, you can just use one of those while preparing food and whatnot.

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