Ah, political parties, like a pimple on the face of America right before a prom. Oh, you can treat it, but the big ones never really go away and the little ones are just as annoying. Here is a countdown to 10 groups that are slowly destroying America.
The American Heritage Party
Can’t get enough Right-wing, Tea Party talk? Are you the sort of Christian that brings a Bible to happy hour and tells everyone that they’re going to Hell? Do you think this video is funny? Then you probably want to be a part of the American Heritage Party. Made up of Christians, constitutionalist uber-Christians and Christian Christians, most members are Christian. Surprisingly, they recently changed their name to the Christian Liberty Party.
The Modern Whig Party
Do you think there aren’t enough powdered wigs in Washington? Good news! There’s a party for you. With their mascot (the owl) and a middle-of-the-road centrist policy, the Whigs motto might as well be, “C’mon, guys. Let’s all get along, huh? Please?”
The Communist Party of the United States
Do you miss gulags? Do you long for tall, broad, mustached men to tell you what to do? Do you call everyone “comrade”? Well, you might already be in the Communist Party of the United States. Hey, someone has to sell those t-shirts with pictures of Che Guevara to college students. Oddly enough, except for the Democrat and Republican parties, they are one of the oldest political parties in the US.
The United States Marijuana Party
If you’re looking for a political group that put the “party” in political party, then grab your bong and head on over. This party seeks an end to the draconian drug laws and to make Doritos the official snack of total awesomeness. Sadly, none of its members seem to be able to make the meetings on time. Most of them show up to the polling stations days late saying, “Sorry, dude, I totally spaced.”
The Pirate Party
If you’re looking for more “Arrrrgh!” in your political paaaaarrrrty, then look no further ya filthy scalawags! This international party seeks to reduce the burdensome copyright laws and make online copyrights disappear. (Suck on that Metallica!) Unfortunately, the eye patch that most of the members wear make them end up voting one candidate to the left or right of the Pirate Party column, assuming their peg legged butts can even make it to the polling place.
The Libertarian National Socialist Green Party
Believe it or not, this party believes that white supremacists gave the Nazi Party a bad name. They combine ideologies from Libertarian, Socialist and Green parties, so everyone gets smeared when they raise their bizarre Nazi flag on the ballot. Not even the best PR firm in history could help this group.
The Objectivist Party
Otherwise known as the “Ayn Rand Fan Club”, the members of this political party probably can quote “The Fountainhead” verbatim off the top of their heads. They seek to repeal income tax and replace it with a flat tax of 10%. Basically, anyone going to see this movie, is probably a member.
The Green Party
The hippies had to go somewhere after the 60’s were over. Extolling the virtues of non-violence, social justice, environmentalism and patchouli oil, the Greens elected Cynthia McKinney as their presidential candidate. You can spot them at just about any political rally. They’ll be the ones with the long hair and no shoes. Plus they hang out with the guys from the United States Marijuana Party a lot.
The Democratic Party
Where to begin? Although their mascot is a donkey, it should probably be an ass or a jellyfish. The Democrats have backed down from a fight so many times, they might as well be serving in France. Barack Obama has broken so many promises, he’d have to go back to the Eisenhower Administration to continue to break more before the election in 2012. Their motto should be, “The lesser of two evils, but not by much.” Who could be dumber than this?
The Republican Party
These guys have so many straight up evil characters running for the nomination, Batman’s rogue’s gallery looks nicer. I mean, really? Dick Cheney? Even Dr. Evil is afraid of this guy. And what’s the policy these days? With guy like crybaby John Boehner and his Jersey Shore tan being Speaker of the House, it’s amazing these guys even still have a party. After they destroy the unions, invade every country on Earth and make everyone but rich people pay taxes, what’s the next move? Elect Ming the Merciless?