This Week’s Crazy Jobs on Hiatus, ‘Cuz Nobody’s Getting a Job Anyway.

This week has been sad, hasn’t it? So I decided that Business Pundit needed its own emergency bailout program–for the communal sense of humor, which nosedived this week alongside every stock market imaginable.

“Crazy Jobs” will return next week, with some goofier gigs than ever. Meanwhile, check out these jokes for your Friday guffaw fix:

1. On Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac:

“FNM and FRE should just have a new single consolidated ticker: FUBAR”

2. Jay Leno on the stock market:

“The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.”

3. On economists, the people who try to wrestle bear markets with intellectual WMDs:

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.”

The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. “973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

“Wait,” cries the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.”

Man says sure.

“You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd.

“Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you.”

4. Ronald Regan on how the government sees the economy:

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.

5. On inflation:

Inflation allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without moving.

6. Borat on competition:

There is my neighbor Nusultan Tuliakbay, he is pain in my a*holes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio…he cannot afford. Great success!

7. Stephen Colbert on jobs and working:

Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

8. Jay Leno on the Treasury:

“Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neal has resigned. He didn’t want to resign, but there wasn’t any money left in the treasury so he’s got nothing to do.”

9. Wired’s new take on the old cow jokes:

You have 2 cows.
The State takes one and gives it to your neighbour who doesn’t have a field to put it in.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk. Then the cows die due to neglect.

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

You have 2 cows.
The EU takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away because the quota has been exceeded.

10. Steve Allen on humor:

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

Happy Friday!

Written by Drea Knufken

Currently, I create and execute content- and PR strategies for clients, including thought leadership and messaging. I also ghostwrite and produce press releases, white papers, case studies and other collateral.