10 Ways Michele Bachmann is Like Satan

Satan wasn’t always such a bad guy. There was a time when Satan was the coolest new kid on the block, and all the other angels wanted to hang out with him and wear the same color Nikes. Satan’s history is longer than just ‘the evilest guy ever’ and in his storied past, there are frightening similarities between himself and his good pal Michele Bachmann. Bachmann would certainly object to the comparison, but she doesn’t really have another choice, unless she wants to run shrieking from the throes of politics, exposed and banished forever. Although, who knows? Perhaps she would be just as welcome among her fellow vampires if she admitted what many fear to: that the best interest of this nation is not actually a concern of hers, that facts are only pawns to be manipulated and twisted for the sake of creating desirable reactions, and that a political death grip on those beneath her is the ultimate goal. This isn’t an article in the name of religion, but rather an inspection of Bachmann’s relationship with general evil. This has nothing to do with an actual God, but is about the ideals of peace and acceptance which are written in a bible that people seem to pick and choose rules from.

Maintain Satan’s rule of the earth (John 12:31, Revelation 12:3-17,16:14, 20:7-8)

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Satan’s rule of the earth: keeping people ignorant, distracted, unhappy, and evil.

Bachmann’s plans aren’t too far from that. As of late, she has repeatedly screwed up facts about history so badly that it’s a wonder she ever passed the seventh grade. It wasn’t just a single mistake, or a slip of the tongue, or confusing one famous politician from history with another. Bachmann literally claimed that immigrants coming to America never felt discriminated against, and that “everyone was treated the same.”

On the side of light is Anderson Cooper, who points out that African American slaves, Irish immigrants denied work due to their race, and Japanese-Americans placed in internment camps weren’t really feeling the equality. He also points out that she all but fabricated a lie regarding the cost of Obama’s recent trip to Japan, and created the idea that the founding fathers of America ‘wouldn’t rest until slavery was no more’ — the opposite of which is closer to the truth, as many of those men owned slaves themselves.

The only logical explanation for Bachmann’s lies is that she’s attempting to manipulate the less intelligent folks glued to the television screen, hoping that her ‘convincing’ lies will continue to distract and give false ideas to people who should be paying attention to more important issues (perhaps the fact that our economy is basically in danger of crumbling entirely). Bachmann promotes her evil through her ignorant lies, which are not convincingly made out of sheer stupidity.

Oppose God’s kingdom and the redemption of people (Revelation 12:17)

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Let’s say that God’s kingdom is a society in which the majority functions without rampant homelessness, poverty, and untreated mental illnesses. A place where prisons don’t exist merely to provide AT&T with cheap labor, and non-violent offenders are actually rehabilitated and given help instead of locked away in a violent, unkind world of metal and concrete. It would also be a place where science, education, and tolerance are promoted — not frivolous and hurtful ideas like homophobia, passing religiously-based judgments which infringe on the private lives of others, societal control, and war.

When put in that perspective, Bachmann absolutely opposes ‘God’s Kingdom.’ A perfect example of her evil opposition is a flier sent out regarding gay marriage; Bachmann compared gay marriage to Pearl Harbor.

‘Today we face perhaps the greatest attack on the family in our lifetime,’ she said. Not only are her ignorant and downright mean comments infuriating, but they are also an incredibly dangerous distraction. Things like the pursuit of knowledge and the betterment of society are important issues at hand, yet gay marriage is vehemently opposed as an ‘evil’. Not only has it already become clear that anti-gay politicians have finally begun to lose the fight, but the argument is over an issue which is so bafflingly unimportant that it can almost be called a non-issue. There, I said it. Gay marriage is a non-issue. If all the immigrants were treated the same when coming over to America, as Bachmann claims, and if that was the greatest thing about this country — then how can she explain her desire to control the private, non-harmful lives of others? It can only be one thing: pure evil.

Steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10)

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The gay marriage issue continues in steal, kill and destroy, one of Satan’s main missions. Ignorance may lead people to believe that gay marriage is somehow ‘wrong.’ That’s somewhat unimportant; you see people do things you think are wrong every day. You go about your business. What would life be like if you were always telling other people what to do? “You should have held the door for that lady.” “You shouldn’t speak to your child like that.” “You didn’t tip enough.”

Sounds kind of tedious. The reason Bachmann can’t ‘live and let live’ is not because she’s on a crusade to save ‘the family’ in the name of God. She’s on a crusade to promote evil, ignorance, and anger among the American people. Instead of focusing on things that actually do cause this society great harm, like the vicious cycle of poverty which lets few escape, or the exoneration of clearly innocent people who remain in jail, Bachmann focuses on a completely irrelevant non-issue to distract society and keep the people hating one another.

Oppose God’s kingdom and the redemption of people (Revelation 12:17) – again

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A last note on gay marriage. Wouldn’t ‘redemption’ be refusing to judge thy neighbor, loving thy neighbor, and turning the other cheek? It would be the exact opposite of the un-Godly preachings of Michele Bachmann. Bachmann preaches intolerance, judgment, and cruelty to thy neighbor. This attitude can only oppose the advancement of society and promote moving backwards into ignorance and anger.

Inferior to God’s Kingdom: Jesus demonstrated this  by casting demons out (Matthew 12: 24-30)

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Society has cast out homophobic, ignorant politicians before. We’ve even cast out relative innocents like Anthony Weiner, whose guilt was only amplified because of previous ulterior motives to remove him. Weiner didn’t do anything that everyone else over the age of 18 (and many below that age) has done before — send (disappointingly not) raunchy photos to some lady he had a boner for. Bachmann needs to be cast out like Palin was cast out. Although supported by plenty of idiots nationwide, the majority of people were not fooled by Palin’s blatantly homophobic, retarded views on things like gay marriage and abortion. Any woman who opposes the freedom of choice must be in cahoots with Satan. There’s really no other explanation.

Draw worship, devotion and service from people to assist in mission accomplishment (Luke 4:7, Revelation 13: 1,3-4,8,11-12,14-15)

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Could it be any clearer? It’s already been repeatedly noted that Bachmann is distracting people with her nonsense. Her lies serve herself, not the people. Although, that’s a hard statement to make since she was called out on national television by Anderson Cooper.

Created perfect in beauty, adorned with precious stones and full of wisdom (Ezekiel 28:12-16)

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Bachmann may be a stupid, maniacal jerk, but she’s kinda pretty. If she were a fat American Indian male with a giant mole on his face, do you think people would listen to him rant about how gay marriage is wrong and pretend equality exists (and has always existed) in America? A select few probably would, but nowhere near the bumbling morons who were groping around for their next Sarah Palin when they found Michele Bachmann.

Established by God with tremendous power (Isaiah 14:9-11, Ezekiel 28:14)

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God, in this case, is the government. Bachmann does (unfortunately) have pull and power, and there are people out there listening to her and being convinced by everything she says. Never underestimate the power of a person on television. Or a person with boobies. She has both.

He also uses death (Hebrews 2:14), deception (Revelation 12:9), lust (Proverbs 11:6, 2 Peter 1:4, Ephesians 2:1-3) and pride (1 John 2:15-17) to rule the earth.

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Wow, shocking.

Death: Her comparisons of gay marriage to Pearl Harbor is a great way to get already somewhat homophobic individuals off that fence and hating on the fags in the name of Amurrrrrica. As long as gay marriage is likened to the slaughtering of Americans and the idea of the perfect American family, there will be Wal-Mart shoppers up in arms, ready to defend the honor of… stupidity? It certainly isn’t Godliness that’s being defended; if it were, the sinning heathens would be welcomed into the community with open arms. They would be spoken to kindly and with love, and allowed to sin and condemn themselves to hell all they wanted as long as it wasn’t hurting anyone else.

Deception: Again, Bachmann’s lies about the history of America are used only for evil and nothing more. Additionally, she ‘joked’ that God had caused Hurricane Irene to get the attention of politics. She actually said that. That is a quote by a person who is in office, who has political power, and who is allowed to appear on national television. What’s worse is that there are most likely a few nut jobs around the country who had nodded their heads in agreement.

Pride: Bachmann is clearly proud of herself for her genius ideas about the hurricane, gay marriage and Pearl Harbor, and the history of America. She’s so proud that she’s forgotten all about the rules of the Bible, a book she claims to live by. She’s become convinced that her rules somehow trump or are implied by the word of the Bible, which is the ultimate pride in her case. Not to mention:
Satan asks for God’s permission to afflict certain people:  Peter (Luke 22:31); Job (Job 1:11-12)

Wow, sounds like using the Bible to manipulate others into opposing gay marriage, don’t you think? Clearly, this Bachmann character is nothing more than a slew of evil bats under a cape of tits and blow-fried hair.