10 Things You Can Do to Prepare for Economic Collapse

The End is Nigh, and we’re not just talking about Glenn Beck’s ratings. Some economists are saying that the US has passed the point of no return with its economy, which means economic collapse is as inevitable as Charlie Sheen’s future apologies. There’s lots you’ll need to do before hunkering down in your zombie-proof bunker to prepare for the end. Get a jump on this now before society breaks down and look on the bright side: at least you won’t have to go to work anymore.

Buy Guns

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You can’t fight zombies or your neighbors for those last Twinkies at the 7-11 without good weapons. Remember that handguns maybe easy to carry, but if you really want to put down a looter or that rotten neighbor of yours, a handgun should only be used for the trip upstairs to get your rifle or shotgun. And speaking of shotguns, bullets will be quite the commodity when the end comes, so make sure you also have a shotgun shell press. But remember, don’t start shooting people until after the apocalypse. If you get a bed holster, make sure your sheets don’t tangle or you could blow off your own foot.

Hoard Water

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Oh, sure water comes right out of your sink…now. But is it really paranoid to think that government might shut off the flow and try to control our brains with rap music? Whether the economic end comes due to natural disaster, the next World War or Goldman Sachs betting that it will happen, the human body can survive weeks without food, but only days without water. Do like Viggo in The Road, when you see the flash, turn on the faucet.

Hoard Food

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Until you figure out how to grow your own food or enslave the rest of the survivors, you’ll need a well-stocked pantry. Commodities, especially food, will skyrocket during the coming World Wide Depression, so extra food will also be handy to barter with. Remember that girl in high school who turned you down for the prom? You’ll be amazed what she’ll do for a can of peaches in the coming economic collapse.

Buy Land You Can Farm On

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Having a well-protected chunk of real estate that you can grow food on is going to be very important. Make sure it has a fence to keep out the riff-raff, C.H.U.D.S. and wasteland mutants you’ll probably have to fight. The good news is, after the government collapses, you won’t have to pay property taxes on it.

Convert Your Car to Vegetable Oil

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You think gas is high now? Wait until the seas dry up and the US strategic reserves are diverted to keep the limos running that shuttle Barack Obama and the Congress around. By converting your car to run on vegetable oil, not only will your car’s exhaust smell like French Fries, you’ll be guaranteed fuel. In America, we fatties never run out of greasy things to cook our food in!

Buy Gold

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Gold has been steadily rising as the dollar has continued to plummet. In the dark days ahead, a shiny gold bar could make you the only financially solvent warlord on your block. Gold always holds its value, unless it’s molded in the shape of tacky jewelry worn by the cast of the Jersey Shore. Sadly, anything that touches Snooki must be thrown away.

Learn to Hunt

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After the first few months of the collapse, store shelves are likely to be empty or choked with the shambling corpses of the living dead. Meat is going to be at a premium and you’re going to have to learn to shoot. The deer aren’t just going to stand there while you drizzle barbecue sauce on them. And remember, if your neighbor says you look “juicy”, be careful. He may be sizing you up for a casserole.

Keep a Low Profile

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Bragging to your neighbors about your secret stash of gold, guns, ammo and Survival Seeds sends one clear message to your neighbor: Kill you and he’s set for the apocalypse. You’ll last a lot longer in the coming Hellscape if the locals think you’re just as screwed as them. Conserve your food, don’t put on any weight and don’t attend any town militia meetings reeking of chocolate and cheese. Orange Doritos hands are a dead giveaway too.

Make and Keep Lots of Friends

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You are going to need allies when the world goes back to bartering. If you’re known as the “town jerk”, change your attitude now before the meteor hits. Your neighbors will have skills that you can all use. The local stoner knows how to grow plants, even inside with hydroponics. Your friend the cop probably has plenty of extra ammo. And your overweight friend that ran the pizza shop? He’ll make an excellent zombie decoy while you run away.

Start Your Own Religion

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If you want Godlike power, make yourself one! There’s no easier way to motivate your minions than to promise them something after they’re dead. Who needs money? When you got this kind of power, you can decide what money is! And, when people use faith over logic, you can pretty much tell them to do anything.

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Comments

  1. Vasily's Gravatar Comment by Vasily on March 24th, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    “… we’re not just talking about Glenn Beck’s ratings… ” Speaking of lousy ratings, whatever happened to Air America?

  2. Linda's Gravatar Comment by Linda on March 25th, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Buying silver in the form of US Eagle Coins is highly recommended at the moment, as it is also needed for many manufacturing areas, as well as for its metal value. Still low but will probably climb

  3. Tom's Gravatar Comment by Tom on March 25th, 2011 at 6:53 am

    This is great, just great.

    I would also suggest investing in a torch + a ridiculous supply of some quality double AAs, None of this Duracell bunny crap. Also, one of those huge UV light emitter things, such as what Will Smith used in I am Legend to fend off the zombies would also be of use – it proved quite effective in the film, see no reason why it wouldn’t work again.

  4. GreenMan's Gravatar Comment by GreenMan on March 25th, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    This would be hilariously funny if the country wasn’t seriously in an economic tailspin and a developing culture war. Unfortunately government statistics on unemployment understate what is really happening, and even many of the employed are actually underemployed for their education & skillset. A rising stock market in that insider casino known as Wall Street is also delusional – like the crew on the Titanic telling the below deck passengers that there’s just a small leak but it’s under control. Just return to your cabin, put a towel under the door and go back to sleep. Listen, the band is still playing on the promenade. Yeah, right! Look, several million more homes will be headed into foreclosure, loans secured by commercial real estate are dropping like flies, and all those Trillions of dollars of derivatives are the zombies that are coming to get us. Another 0% APR credit card acceptance letter is already in your mailbox, so American capitalism is still hard at work to give you what’s left of the American Dream. Still, the military industrial complex is now running flat out, although, alas, no bid contracts to Halliburton may have fallen out of favor. And mind the closing budget deficits please. Next stop?

  5. power of attorney's Gravatar Comment by power of attorney on March 31st, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Interesting tips. The value of land and gold keeps increasing they should be purchased by everyone.

  6. The Red Pill's Gravatar Comment by The Red Pill on April 2nd, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    haha great article, I’m ahead of the curve on 5/10 of these and working on the 6th but I can’t seem to get too many to come to my church yet.

  7. calderas de gas's Gravatar Comment by calderas de gas on April 3rd, 2011 at 6:56 am

    I’m already looking to buy gold, but it would make sense to buy and sell melt pure unalloyed jewelers or simply worth more

  8. Annie's Gravatar Comment by Annie on April 6th, 2011 at 3:01 am

    “And your overweight friend that ran the pizza shop? He’ll make an excellent zombie decoy while you run away.”
    Oh, crap. I don’t want to be a decoy!

  9. pete's Gravatar Comment by pete on April 27th, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Now , you people who made fun of cat ladies. Who’s the joke on now smart guys?

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